No Words.

I mentioned before, Todd & Angie Smith and their family: http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/

Please continue to keep them lifted in prayer. They lost their daughter Audrey Caroline. They have added a song and video to their blog as a memorial to their daughter. There are no words I can express - I had to turn the sound off because I couldn't make it through the song, but I did watch the heartfelt, beautiful video.

God is still God. God cares for our lost children more than we ever could, which is unimaginable. I can't imagine anyone loving Gabe or the daughter we lost more than I do. More than Greg does. But God does. As human beings we just can't wrap our minds around that. I can't anyway. But, God is still God. He is the same now and forever. Even when bad things happen, and we ache with despair and don't know how we can go on, He is the same. He doesn't change when things get bad. What a comfort. What a tremendous help with the burden.

I learned this by reading Angie's blog. When they found out they'd lose their daughter, Angie continued to repeat, "He is still the same". What a testimony to her faith. I think a lot of times when life is hard, really hard, it's easy for us to feel abandoned - like God just isn't there. But how comforting to know that He doesn't change. His love for us is perfect and unconditional all of the time.

This blog/message really touched me today. Please keep the Smiths lifted up to our God who was and is, and is to come.

I Did It

And I'm out of breath. Ok, get your mind out of the gutters.

I went for a run/brisk walk this morning... I may not have gone very far, but the point is, I did it. I started with exercise this morning. I also came home and did 25 situp/curl thingies. (Obviously, I'm not an exerciser at all... I don't even know the terms). My sister is getting married in August of 2009, so I need to start somewhere. I know this sounds bad to say, but I just don't want to be the obviously fattest bridesmaid. You all know the girl I'm talking about (again, I know... this sounds so petty and shallow).

A Thinner Me

For the longest time, I've just assumed that fatness is what I'll become (I know, I have a terrible self image!!). But I don't want to be. I want to be one of those people that jogs (or yogs... maybe that's how you pronounce it... what movie am I referring to??) And, I can be. If it's something I really want. And, it is a nice little alone time too. I have to say, starting out the day with a sense of pride in doing something I didn't think I'd do, feels pretty dang good.

On my heart

If you have a moment, please go to this blog.

http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/

This story has changed my life and the way I think about the child we lost to miscarriage. What a brave, beautiful, faithful family. Todd is one of the singers in my favorite Christian group, Selah. The ornament shown above was given to me by my sister in law after we lost our child. I will always treasure it. For me, it helps to have something that is hers.

Hi Friend

Check out these two biker mamas. We are looking good! This is me & one of my best friends, Darci. Darci and I have been friends for a few years now and her friendship has been one that has taught me so much about myself, about how to be a good friend, and about how to love.

Darci is true, forgiving, funny, and she has integrity. She is accomplished, she is wise, and she is kindhearted.

It was so nice to get to talk to her tonight. We have been really busy now that we both have little boys. Even though we don't get to spend as much time together as we'd like, we both "get it" and make the most of the 15 minutes here and there that we do get to talk. We are able to pick up where we left off and have a heartfelt conversation in just that short time.

So, Friend, thank you for staying a bit to talk! I love you and I'm proud of you.

Favorite Song

I have a new favorite song:
Between the Lines - Sara Bareilles (This song is not on You Tube yet... Hmph!)
Love this girl - the entire Little Voice cd is fantastic. Check it out!

Lighthearted

My most recent posts have been a little, how you say, heavy... So, I thought I'd throw another lighthearted one out there! Rock of Love 2 has become my guilty pleasure. It seriously is just one of those shows I can leave on and not worry about missing much. I mean, seriously, it's sad. It's really sad that I actually Tivo'd Rock of Love 2 this last Sunday so I wouldn't miss who got the boot.

I also found out on vacation that my brother in law & sister in law are Rock of Love 2 fans too! They DVR it while they're at church!! I just find it too funny that the new Rock of Love 2 episodes are on during the time most people are at church.

I'm hooked. I like it. I even find myself thinking, ok, maybe Bret Michaels does have a little charm... and he is pretty cute... hang on a second! Stop it! Stop it Bret Michaels! Quit working your voodoo mojo on me!! Nah, I'm just kiddin' around. It's a great show for vegging out and watching people with problems way crazier than mine!

Spring Thoughts

Most people love Spring. Most people see Spring as a time of new growth. New life. A new year.

Most people.

Spring is a very difficult time of year for me. March 22 was the due date of the child that Greg and I lost to miscarriage at 7 1/2 weeks. We lost the baby in August of 2006 due to a "missed miscarriage" .

This month, my daughter would've been 1 year old. I can't explain why I'm still having trouble with this. I am able to function everyday. I am able to love my son unconditionally, fully, and whole-heartedly as though I had given birth to him. But, a part of me still grieves the life we created and lost. The life I'll never meet face to face except in Heaven. I would never trade my son. I would never wish to have her instead of him. But, I do wish I could hold them both. I do wish I could have both of my children. I feel like I have one, but the other was taken from me. Part of me knew her even though we never met.

I hope this doesn't sound as though I haven't moved on. I also hope this doesn't sound like "poor me". But, I do hope this sounds like she was real. Because she was. She was a part of me and Greg. A life created and lost before having a chance to live it. Any time I hear of a woman going through miscarriage I feel so much for her. I know how she's feeling. I know it is an incredibly isolating feeling especially when talking to other women who have never had one, or who have never had any trouble getting pregnant.

I'll always wonder if I could've prevented it. I'll always wonder if my doctor knew there was something wrong when he scheduled the next sonogram 10 days later, even after hearing the heartbeat. I'll also always wonder why he told me the sex of the baby, when I never asked. In some ways, I wish I didn't know. In others, I'm glad I know. I'll always wonder about what could have been...

Most days are great days now. Most days I don't feel like I'm mourning. But, every once in a while, like today, like this time of year, I think of her a lot. I told Greg that today was a tough day and that I was going to blog about it. I like having my blog. Even if this is just for me, so be it. I feel better after writing. I feel like I've let go of a little. And, maybe just maybe, my words or experiences can be helpful to someone else.

Sunrise

I've had a lot on my mind lately. I've been missing something. My spiritual life has literally been frozen in place, if not taken a few steps back. I find myself really wondering how this could be. I mean, God gave me the desire of my heart - to have a child. A wonderful, wonderful boy that has completely captured my heart. You'd think my faith would be at an all-time high, right?

It isn't. In fact, I think lately, my mentality has been that I don't need God. Things are going well. We aren't really struggling with anything. We have our son. Life is good. Yet, I find myself searching. Not feeling fulfilled. Why is that?

Tonight on my way home from work, I was out of music. I was bored with the Heart CD I've been repetitivly listening to. I often use my ride home as a time to think. A time to examine where I am. I reached into the console and found a Nichole Nordeman CD that I hadn't heard in a while. Part of me didn't want to listen to it. I didn't know if I was really ready for me and God to have a "sit down". Well, I heard the song "Sunrise" and it really spoke to me today. Here are the lyrics:

If I had the chance To go back again
Take a different road, bear a lighter load Tell an easy story
I would walk away With my yesterdays
And I would not trade what is broken for beauty only
Every valley Every bitter chill
Made me ready to climb back up the hill And find that…

(Chorus)
You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning If I knew not midnight?
You’re my horizon You’re the light of a new dawn
So thank you, thank you
That after the long night, you are sunrise

There’s a moment when Faith caves in
There’s a time when every soul is certain God is gone
But every shadow is evidence of sun
And every tomorrow holds out hope for us For every one of us

(Chorus)

You are sunrise
-Nichole Nordeman

I really didn't expect after my trial was over (the infertility and desire for a child) that I would feel distant from God. But I did. Part of it is because we quit going to church. We had a newborn baby and our pastor had been asked to resign. I think some of it too has been recognizing all of the unfairness in this world: Mothers dying before seeing their children grown, orphanages in which children are never held, people who never have one person in their lives tell them "I love you", and children that live in abusive homes who only grow up to repeat the pattern.

But tonight, on my way home, in the car, God and I connected again. I felt humbled - like going to an old friend I hadn't stayed in touch with. But in listening to this song, I realized that it's going to be ok. I'm back. God has given me a new sunrise. A new day to begin with Him. He has said, I was still there in the dark. But now it's morning and you can see me. Even in the dark, I knew he was there... he just felt so far away. It's weird how in the dark, in the midst of my trials, I felt like he was so far away. But even once the trials were over, if I wasn't seeking Him, I was still in the dark. I hadn't really stepped into the warm, welcoming rays of a new sunrise.

Seek and ye shall find. Knock and the door will open. This is not just in the midst of the cold night. This is also in the unquenched thirst and heat of the day.

sick

Yuck. Being sick is not fun. Nope, not fun at all. So, forgive me if my posts are short and lame (like this one).

What did you think of American Idol? Personally, I think David Hernandez had a better performance than Kristy Lee Cook's but, I do like Kristy Lee's country voice.

I was home sick today and I only watched 1 1/2 episodes of Rock of Love 2. I can't believe I'm admitting to that...

I'm ready for a vacation. Thankfully, we have one scheduled for the end of March!

Night Owl Scrapper

The last 2 nights, I've been able to stay up to scrap after Gabe's gone to bed. Even though my scrapbooking area is right outside his bedroom door, I've been able to at least get one spread done each night without disturbing him. That's even with running the Cricut machine. By the way... if there are any scrappers out there reading this, you NEED a Cricut machine. I don't care if it puts you into credit card debt. You will use the heck out of the thing. I know I do. I use it on every single page. I have the Cricut Expression which allows you to use 12x12 paper. Love it.

I am now on month 8 of Gabe's scrapbooks - on my third album. That means, for his first year alone, I'll have 3-4 albums. I know that sounds crazy. But, this is my first child, I've waited a long time for this wonderful little boy, and scrapping is my thing. (Although, recently blogging has become my thing!) I only hope if we have a second child I'm able to do the same. I also hope I'm able to take as many pictures! Sometimes I feel sorry for Gabe's future wife... she's going to be housing a lot of photos some day!

Some of my closest girlfriends and I are planning a weekend getaway for June. This weekend is filled with shopping, scrapping, and hanging out. I am so excited about it. I'm organizing the whole thing. My plan is to scrap most of the time. I want to do a little shopping, but my main goal is to get up to date on Gabe's albums so I can scrap a little every other night or so as he goes to bed. So far, it's working out to do one spread and then I have a little time to blog and a little time to spend with Greg. It'd be really nice to be caught up, but this night owl may be dreaming.

This blog is probably really boring to any male readers out there, but I know my sister scrappers are right there with me... they know what I'm talking about!