I love Fall.

Today was just beautiful... except for going to a new doctor, an endocrinologist. Suck. It didn't go near as well as I'd hoped. I left there feeling 10x more confused than when I walked in the door. More to follow... just too tired to write the whole thing out.

Thoughts of an Infertile Woman...

Ok, I know it's been a long time since I've posted. But, I do have reason... I am the mom of a busy toddler, I work part time in the office, and full time at home, etc... I also have another reason for delaying a post. I've been considering writing this post for a while now because it's been on my chest and I just haven't been sure if I should "put it out there". But, I think as Gabe & Rafiki from The Lion King would say, "It is time."

I just wanted to share some random thoughts on what it is like to be an infertile woman. I want to say right away that 1. I am not writing this for sympathy. 2. I am not writing this to be insensitive. 3. I am not writing this to complain in any way about what I do/do not have. I AM writing this because I think 1. It is something that most people don't talk about. 2. I want to make people more conscious of the things they say and do. 3. So if any infertile women out there are reading this, they know that at least one other woman has thought what they think. That they're not alone. That it is natural and normal to feel these feelings. Infertility, to me, is one of the loneliest feelings in the world. No one seems to understand how you're feeling and no one can make it better. Ok, now I feel like I can begin...

• Everytime I found out another woman was pregnant, it crushed me. I don't care how great of friends we were, it crushed me. I was so happy for them, but honestly, I was angry too. How could they be?? They just started trying! They can't possibly want a baby as badly as we do.
• I made myself involved in baby showers, shopping with friends for baby stuff, saying things like, "well, when I get pregnant...". I'm not sure why I did that. I guess maybe I thought it would be easier if I talked with my friend through it instead of distancing myself. I don't really do this anymore. I think I realized it was a way to experience it, but once the baby was born and the parents were busy, I was kind of alone all over again.
• I hate comments like, "If you just relax, it will happen" or "When you least expect it, it will happen", or "It will happen in God's timing". Yes, thank you. I know all of those things CAN be true. However, I have an actual medical condition why it doesn't just happen. It's not all about positive thinking, praying more, and letting go and doing it with your hubby.
• It drove me crazy knowing that if there was anything in this world I wanted to do - be a doctor, be a lawyer, jump out of an airplane, I could work my tail off to do it. Granted, it wouldn't be easy, but I could achieve it. Having a child was different. No matter how much I wanted it, how much I worked towards it, truly it was God's timing and I had no choice in the matter.
• Infertility is very, very lonely. Yes, your husband wants a child. I don't know if they ever really feel it like women do though. I guess I have always felt a little bit like Greg got a broken model... a woman that doesn't "do" what she was made to do. He has never, ever made me feel that way, in fact, he has been so supportive. But, I just don't think it is the same for men as it is women. Your family sympathizes too, but can't begin to grasp how you're feeling. You always feel like friends and family have to watch what they say around you to protect your feelings. And, while that is extremely thoughtful, you feel like an outsider.
• I became friends with other women who were going through infertility as well, but I soon found out that really didn't help to much... one of us was always going to get pregnant before the other - it was unavoidable. I was always the one that wasn't pregnant and as much as those friends said things wouldn't, they always changed.

I'm still living with infertility now. I still have a lot of those lonely feelings. Yes, I do have a child - a wonderful, amazing, smart, kind child. I wouldn't trade him for a hundred children I could bear myself. I do still wish though, in the bottom of my heart, that someday I'll be able to experience giving birth to a child. If it isn't in the cards, if God doesn't want our family to be created that way, that's ok. I've learned through all of this so many big lessons. I'd like to share some of those too:

• God can take a heart that's been damaged so many times by the hopes of pregnancies month after month and the loss of a child through miscarriage, and completely fill that heart with joy so that it is overflowing. That happened to me when my son Gabe was born. I never ever thought after losing our child to miscarriage that I was even capable of joy again. I couldn't understand why God had blessed us beyond measure and then in the blink of an eye, our child was gone. I was angry with God for a long time because of that. Little did I know what joy He had in store for us.
• I am stronger than I thought I was. I really didn't know how I was going to survive the pain. It was unbearable. There was a night when I laid on the nursery floor and cried (with Jinxi bawled up right beside me). I wanted to give up and not try again. I didn't even want to adopt. The pain was too much - I didn't want to give my heart away.
• I have learned how to respond to other people's pain - many aspects of pain, not just infertility. God has given me a heart for hurting with other people. God has made me a better friend because of it. God has shown me how very valuable life is - how we need to treasure each moment. Even though I was only pregnant for a short time, I look back on those days and Greg and I were truly happy - we lived in the moment. Mom and I went maternity clothes shopping. We started the nursery. We told people. I am thankful that we did all of those things.
• I have learned what to say and what not to say. When to speak and when to listen. (Ok, sometimes I'm still working on this one!)

Because we went through this, I am a better friend. I am a better mom. I feel better about who I am. I would never wish infertility on my worst enemy, but it hasn't been completely devastating to me. In fact, it was devastating. I did fall down in defeat several times. However, I am stronger now. I am wiser now. And, I am a mom now. I am able to look back and reflect on the events that God used to create the tapestry of my life. He knew the entire time what the end result would be. He knew, even though He saw me hurting day after day - and still some days - that I was going to be better because of it. And, I am thankful for that.

Momma Getaway

This past weekend, I had the absolute JOY going away on a retreat with my very best friends. I came up with the idea of having a Momma Getaway quite a while ago - I wanted to have a weekend with my friends in which we could scrapbook, talk, eat, sleep, as long as we wanted to without any hubbies or kids. As much as hubbies and kids are important and always the very most important people in our lives, we have to make time for ourselves as Mommas too. We need a break from responsibility every once in a while to get back to the friends we may not have been able to give much time to. We need to get caught up on the albums we're making for our kids. This weekend was everything I could've imagined and more. I am so unbelievably blessed with terrific friendships with these amazing women. And, a couple of them haven't even met before - everyone was talking, sharing stories and supplies, and having a great time together the entire weekend. How awesome. Here are a few more photos from the weekend:

Tami made me & Darci a birthday cake - Darci's was on the 11th and mine is the 17th. She's so sweet. Do me a favor, please don't count the candles!

Here is Darci busy at work scrapping. Check out the table! We were able to put the tables into a big square and sit around and talk while we scrapped. It reminded me of those quilting bee's the ladies used to have. We each had our own tables, so we had plenty of room to spread out.

Here we are... Darci did a great job of setting up here mini tripod to get a photo of all of us. L to R: Marya, Mary, Me, Tami, Darci, & Janell.

Our cabin had a big, stuffed, real bear in it. We had him as our protector, so we had to get a photo with him... or her... Who knows, maybe she was a scrapper!

One of my favorite photos from the weekend. I love Janell's face here. I told them I thought I may have gas while we were all so close in the pose, and we missed the first picture. We were still laughing at it when Darci set up for this photo.

This little guy worked his tail off this weekend! We had two Cricut machines there and it was fantastic. We got so much done! I was able to get 18 and 1/2 layouts done! I am now up to 19 months, and Gabe is only 20 months old. How great is that?! I snapped this picture when we went to bed - I shut off all the lights and this was the only light on. Suddenly, I was just kind of taken aback at how wonderful the weekend was.

And now, a tribute to each of my friends:

Oh, Marya - you are a friend I can laugh with, cry with, scrap with, and just plain old be myself with. I love that you are so forgiving, honest, and fun to be around. You are a fantastic mom, devoted to your boys, and I have learned so much from you about being a wife and a mom. I am so glad you joined us this weekend and I hope you enjoyed meeting some of my friends you haven't met.

I will forever be thankful for the countless hours we have spent together scrapping and talking and for your friendship. Love ya, Scrappy 2.

Janell, I am so glad you were able to join us this weekend. I am so in awe of your ability to keep it all together. Apart from being the mom of 4 great kids, you are able work and set aside time to spend with friends. You have been a terrific inspiration to me as far as motherhood and friendship goes. You are a very fun-loving, life-loving person. AND, your ability to do so many things and always be in such a great mood will never cease to amaze me! You are very generous with your time for others. You help your inlaws and friends and all the while have managed to raise a great family. Love you too!

Darci, where can I begin? You are such a very special friend to me. Your friendship has taught me so much about being a friend to others, being a friend to myself, being a mom, being aware of the pain others may be experiencing, etc... You are a teacher. You are a confidant. You are an amazing, devoted mom. You are a gifted scrapper. You and I have been through so much together and each time we go through something, our friendship deepens. We have been so blessed to be able to experience the birth of our children so closely timed to each other (that was a God thing for sure). We have been so fortunate to raise them together. They will grow up knowing their mommies are friends, just like them. I love you and thank you for all of the above.

Mary, you are my oldest friend (don't worry, I'm not talking age here!) You've been there for me through it all... First crushes, sharing stories of our first kisses, college, our weddings, the birth of our children, etc... You know me from way back when. I am so thankful for your dedication in making our friendship stand the test of time. I'm so thankful for your kindness, forgiving heart, caring attitude, phone calls (forgiveness when I don't return them on time!), reminders that I'm not a grandma when we go to Pizza Hut!, endless games of MASH we played when we were kids, countless walks, visits to Thomas Delight, college visits, etc... I'm so honored that you've spent so many memories with me. I'm thankful for your tears - when you've cried with sadness with me when we lost our baby. When you cried with happiness when Gabe was born. I will forever be grateful for your friendship. Thank you for being my first BFF. I love you too.

Last, but definitely not least, Tamalamadingdong. Tami, I am so thankful for you. You have been such an inspiration to me of what a mom should be. You have so greatly impacted my life with how you love your children, how you have had a marriage of many years, how you love God - how you come to Him as a child, and how you love that beautiful McCarthy. Your generosity has moved me to tears. Your sewing talents are amazing and continually impressing me. You & Steve have given Greg and me many great evenings by the fire, or at the kitchen table just hanging out. I love that you stalk me. :) I love that you love Gabe so much. I love that I can cry with you and I love how I can talk things out with you. I love that you want to be my friend because I so do not feel worthy. I love your humbleness. If I could be like anyone, I'd want to be like you - except for the bossyness.... I am TOTALLY kidding!! Just trying to get a rise out of you! I love you, Tami (niagw) and thanks for sharing the snoring room with me.

I am so blessed. So very, very blessed.