Thoughts of an Infertile Woman...

Ok, I know it's been a long time since I've posted. But, I do have reason... I am the mom of a busy toddler, I work part time in the office, and full time at home, etc... I also have another reason for delaying a post. I've been considering writing this post for a while now because it's been on my chest and I just haven't been sure if I should "put it out there". But, I think as Gabe & Rafiki from The Lion King would say, "It is time."

I just wanted to share some random thoughts on what it is like to be an infertile woman. I want to say right away that 1. I am not writing this for sympathy. 2. I am not writing this to be insensitive. 3. I am not writing this to complain in any way about what I do/do not have. I AM writing this because I think 1. It is something that most people don't talk about. 2. I want to make people more conscious of the things they say and do. 3. So if any infertile women out there are reading this, they know that at least one other woman has thought what they think. That they're not alone. That it is natural and normal to feel these feelings. Infertility, to me, is one of the loneliest feelings in the world. No one seems to understand how you're feeling and no one can make it better. Ok, now I feel like I can begin...

• Everytime I found out another woman was pregnant, it crushed me. I don't care how great of friends we were, it crushed me. I was so happy for them, but honestly, I was angry too. How could they be?? They just started trying! They can't possibly want a baby as badly as we do.
• I made myself involved in baby showers, shopping with friends for baby stuff, saying things like, "well, when I get pregnant...". I'm not sure why I did that. I guess maybe I thought it would be easier if I talked with my friend through it instead of distancing myself. I don't really do this anymore. I think I realized it was a way to experience it, but once the baby was born and the parents were busy, I was kind of alone all over again.
• I hate comments like, "If you just relax, it will happen" or "When you least expect it, it will happen", or "It will happen in God's timing". Yes, thank you. I know all of those things CAN be true. However, I have an actual medical condition why it doesn't just happen. It's not all about positive thinking, praying more, and letting go and doing it with your hubby.
• It drove me crazy knowing that if there was anything in this world I wanted to do - be a doctor, be a lawyer, jump out of an airplane, I could work my tail off to do it. Granted, it wouldn't be easy, but I could achieve it. Having a child was different. No matter how much I wanted it, how much I worked towards it, truly it was God's timing and I had no choice in the matter.
• Infertility is very, very lonely. Yes, your husband wants a child. I don't know if they ever really feel it like women do though. I guess I have always felt a little bit like Greg got a broken model... a woman that doesn't "do" what she was made to do. He has never, ever made me feel that way, in fact, he has been so supportive. But, I just don't think it is the same for men as it is women. Your family sympathizes too, but can't begin to grasp how you're feeling. You always feel like friends and family have to watch what they say around you to protect your feelings. And, while that is extremely thoughtful, you feel like an outsider.
• I became friends with other women who were going through infertility as well, but I soon found out that really didn't help to much... one of us was always going to get pregnant before the other - it was unavoidable. I was always the one that wasn't pregnant and as much as those friends said things wouldn't, they always changed.

I'm still living with infertility now. I still have a lot of those lonely feelings. Yes, I do have a child - a wonderful, amazing, smart, kind child. I wouldn't trade him for a hundred children I could bear myself. I do still wish though, in the bottom of my heart, that someday I'll be able to experience giving birth to a child. If it isn't in the cards, if God doesn't want our family to be created that way, that's ok. I've learned through all of this so many big lessons. I'd like to share some of those too:

• God can take a heart that's been damaged so many times by the hopes of pregnancies month after month and the loss of a child through miscarriage, and completely fill that heart with joy so that it is overflowing. That happened to me when my son Gabe was born. I never ever thought after losing our child to miscarriage that I was even capable of joy again. I couldn't understand why God had blessed us beyond measure and then in the blink of an eye, our child was gone. I was angry with God for a long time because of that. Little did I know what joy He had in store for us.
• I am stronger than I thought I was. I really didn't know how I was going to survive the pain. It was unbearable. There was a night when I laid on the nursery floor and cried (with Jinxi bawled up right beside me). I wanted to give up and not try again. I didn't even want to adopt. The pain was too much - I didn't want to give my heart away.
• I have learned how to respond to other people's pain - many aspects of pain, not just infertility. God has given me a heart for hurting with other people. God has made me a better friend because of it. God has shown me how very valuable life is - how we need to treasure each moment. Even though I was only pregnant for a short time, I look back on those days and Greg and I were truly happy - we lived in the moment. Mom and I went maternity clothes shopping. We started the nursery. We told people. I am thankful that we did all of those things.
• I have learned what to say and what not to say. When to speak and when to listen. (Ok, sometimes I'm still working on this one!)

Because we went through this, I am a better friend. I am a better mom. I feel better about who I am. I would never wish infertility on my worst enemy, but it hasn't been completely devastating to me. In fact, it was devastating. I did fall down in defeat several times. However, I am stronger now. I am wiser now. And, I am a mom now. I am able to look back and reflect on the events that God used to create the tapestry of my life. He knew the entire time what the end result would be. He knew, even though He saw me hurting day after day - and still some days - that I was going to be better because of it. And, I am thankful for that.