Lighthearted

My most recent posts have been a little, how you say, heavy... So, I thought I'd throw another lighthearted one out there! Rock of Love 2 has become my guilty pleasure. It seriously is just one of those shows I can leave on and not worry about missing much. I mean, seriously, it's sad. It's really sad that I actually Tivo'd Rock of Love 2 this last Sunday so I wouldn't miss who got the boot.

I also found out on vacation that my brother in law & sister in law are Rock of Love 2 fans too! They DVR it while they're at church!! I just find it too funny that the new Rock of Love 2 episodes are on during the time most people are at church.

I'm hooked. I like it. I even find myself thinking, ok, maybe Bret Michaels does have a little charm... and he is pretty cute... hang on a second! Stop it! Stop it Bret Michaels! Quit working your voodoo mojo on me!! Nah, I'm just kiddin' around. It's a great show for vegging out and watching people with problems way crazier than mine!

Spring Thoughts

Most people love Spring. Most people see Spring as a time of new growth. New life. A new year.

Most people.

Spring is a very difficult time of year for me. March 22 was the due date of the child that Greg and I lost to miscarriage at 7 1/2 weeks. We lost the baby in August of 2006 due to a "missed miscarriage" .

This month, my daughter would've been 1 year old. I can't explain why I'm still having trouble with this. I am able to function everyday. I am able to love my son unconditionally, fully, and whole-heartedly as though I had given birth to him. But, a part of me still grieves the life we created and lost. The life I'll never meet face to face except in Heaven. I would never trade my son. I would never wish to have her instead of him. But, I do wish I could hold them both. I do wish I could have both of my children. I feel like I have one, but the other was taken from me. Part of me knew her even though we never met.

I hope this doesn't sound as though I haven't moved on. I also hope this doesn't sound like "poor me". But, I do hope this sounds like she was real. Because she was. She was a part of me and Greg. A life created and lost before having a chance to live it. Any time I hear of a woman going through miscarriage I feel so much for her. I know how she's feeling. I know it is an incredibly isolating feeling especially when talking to other women who have never had one, or who have never had any trouble getting pregnant.

I'll always wonder if I could've prevented it. I'll always wonder if my doctor knew there was something wrong when he scheduled the next sonogram 10 days later, even after hearing the heartbeat. I'll also always wonder why he told me the sex of the baby, when I never asked. In some ways, I wish I didn't know. In others, I'm glad I know. I'll always wonder about what could have been...

Most days are great days now. Most days I don't feel like I'm mourning. But, every once in a while, like today, like this time of year, I think of her a lot. I told Greg that today was a tough day and that I was going to blog about it. I like having my blog. Even if this is just for me, so be it. I feel better after writing. I feel like I've let go of a little. And, maybe just maybe, my words or experiences can be helpful to someone else.

Sunrise

I've had a lot on my mind lately. I've been missing something. My spiritual life has literally been frozen in place, if not taken a few steps back. I find myself really wondering how this could be. I mean, God gave me the desire of my heart - to have a child. A wonderful, wonderful boy that has completely captured my heart. You'd think my faith would be at an all-time high, right?

It isn't. In fact, I think lately, my mentality has been that I don't need God. Things are going well. We aren't really struggling with anything. We have our son. Life is good. Yet, I find myself searching. Not feeling fulfilled. Why is that?

Tonight on my way home from work, I was out of music. I was bored with the Heart CD I've been repetitivly listening to. I often use my ride home as a time to think. A time to examine where I am. I reached into the console and found a Nichole Nordeman CD that I hadn't heard in a while. Part of me didn't want to listen to it. I didn't know if I was really ready for me and God to have a "sit down". Well, I heard the song "Sunrise" and it really spoke to me today. Here are the lyrics:

If I had the chance To go back again
Take a different road, bear a lighter load Tell an easy story
I would walk away With my yesterdays
And I would not trade what is broken for beauty only
Every valley Every bitter chill
Made me ready to climb back up the hill And find that…

(Chorus)
You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning If I knew not midnight?
You’re my horizon You’re the light of a new dawn
So thank you, thank you
That after the long night, you are sunrise

There’s a moment when Faith caves in
There’s a time when every soul is certain God is gone
But every shadow is evidence of sun
And every tomorrow holds out hope for us For every one of us

(Chorus)

You are sunrise
-Nichole Nordeman

I really didn't expect after my trial was over (the infertility and desire for a child) that I would feel distant from God. But I did. Part of it is because we quit going to church. We had a newborn baby and our pastor had been asked to resign. I think some of it too has been recognizing all of the unfairness in this world: Mothers dying before seeing their children grown, orphanages in which children are never held, people who never have one person in their lives tell them "I love you", and children that live in abusive homes who only grow up to repeat the pattern.

But tonight, on my way home, in the car, God and I connected again. I felt humbled - like going to an old friend I hadn't stayed in touch with. But in listening to this song, I realized that it's going to be ok. I'm back. God has given me a new sunrise. A new day to begin with Him. He has said, I was still there in the dark. But now it's morning and you can see me. Even in the dark, I knew he was there... he just felt so far away. It's weird how in the dark, in the midst of my trials, I felt like he was so far away. But even once the trials were over, if I wasn't seeking Him, I was still in the dark. I hadn't really stepped into the warm, welcoming rays of a new sunrise.

Seek and ye shall find. Knock and the door will open. This is not just in the midst of the cold night. This is also in the unquenched thirst and heat of the day.

sick

Yuck. Being sick is not fun. Nope, not fun at all. So, forgive me if my posts are short and lame (like this one).

What did you think of American Idol? Personally, I think David Hernandez had a better performance than Kristy Lee Cook's but, I do like Kristy Lee's country voice.

I was home sick today and I only watched 1 1/2 episodes of Rock of Love 2. I can't believe I'm admitting to that...

I'm ready for a vacation. Thankfully, we have one scheduled for the end of March!

Night Owl Scrapper

The last 2 nights, I've been able to stay up to scrap after Gabe's gone to bed. Even though my scrapbooking area is right outside his bedroom door, I've been able to at least get one spread done each night without disturbing him. That's even with running the Cricut machine. By the way... if there are any scrappers out there reading this, you NEED a Cricut machine. I don't care if it puts you into credit card debt. You will use the heck out of the thing. I know I do. I use it on every single page. I have the Cricut Expression which allows you to use 12x12 paper. Love it.

I am now on month 8 of Gabe's scrapbooks - on my third album. That means, for his first year alone, I'll have 3-4 albums. I know that sounds crazy. But, this is my first child, I've waited a long time for this wonderful little boy, and scrapping is my thing. (Although, recently blogging has become my thing!) I only hope if we have a second child I'm able to do the same. I also hope I'm able to take as many pictures! Sometimes I feel sorry for Gabe's future wife... she's going to be housing a lot of photos some day!

Some of my closest girlfriends and I are planning a weekend getaway for June. This weekend is filled with shopping, scrapping, and hanging out. I am so excited about it. I'm organizing the whole thing. My plan is to scrap most of the time. I want to do a little shopping, but my main goal is to get up to date on Gabe's albums so I can scrap a little every other night or so as he goes to bed. So far, it's working out to do one spread and then I have a little time to blog and a little time to spend with Greg. It'd be really nice to be caught up, but this night owl may be dreaming.

This blog is probably really boring to any male readers out there, but I know my sister scrappers are right there with me... they know what I'm talking about!

STOP

Ok, I think today I hit bottom. I've known for a couple of days that I'm getting really worn out. With Greg travelling so much and with him being sick the last few days, I've had to take up the slack. Gabe was up last night for 2 hours. The night before, I got to bed at 2:00 am after going to the ER and got up at 6:45 with Gabe. So, today... I was freakin beat. When Gabe took his morning nap, I took a nap too. Then, this afternoon, I watched several hours of, get this, Rock of Love 2 with Bret Michaels of the famous band, Poison. Ok. Seriously. How worn out, tired, bored, and pathetic do you have to be to watch more than 5 minutes of that show?? I found myself getting into it, thinking, "No, don't get rid of Inna, your Ukrainian Love Tank"! Really?? I'm pathetic.

I think sometimes though, you need a stupid (and I mean, stupid), trashy, unrealistic reality show, or trashy romance novel, or something just to let your mind and body relax. I think that's why shows like that exist! Who would really add that to their Tivo list? I actually make it a point of not watching reality shows, because I don't want to get hooked on them. I think they're ridiculous. The shows are so obviously staged and some of those people that stay on and aren't "voted off" or "given a rose" or "given a backstage pass to stay in the house and continue to rock Bret Michael's world"are so obviously kept on for wow factor. In the episodes I saw today, Bret took his dates to a burlesque club, a lingerie shop, a 50's pin-up photo shoot, oh, and one girl actually cooked for him on the date she won.

Bret, I don't care if every rose HAD it's thorn (Had as in your glory days are way over!), you could not pay me enough money to play mud football, build you a chopper, clean your chopper in a bikini (if I was thin enough to wear one), or parade around you with fake boobs, lips, and eyelashes. IF I was thin enough.

But, as much as I think the show stinks, it did serve it's purpose for me today... I got to relax, take my mind off stuff, and veg out. Thank you Bret Michaels! You rocked my world.

Hello, My Name is Ima

As in Ima big fat jerk.

Greg had a cold last week and he woke up this morning feeling really really crappy. A co-worker suggested he go to the doctor today. When he told me he was going, I bawked at the idea and basically told him "Seriously? It's just a cold!". I really didn't want him to be sick. Things have been pretty overwhelming for me with him travelling on business a lot this year. So, I was really looking forward to some scrapping time this weekend - an hour or two here and there just for a little break, a little free time - before he leaves again Monday.

The doctor diagnosed him with influenza. Still it wasn't THAT serious to me. I mean, the flu. Suck it up. It can't be that bad. So, after Gabe went to bed tonight, I went upstairs and scrapped for about an hour and a half. When I came downstairs to tell Greg goodnight and to apologize by seeing if he was doing ok and if he needed anything, we found that he had a temperature of 105.4! Cue Ima...

So, I called my sister, the nurse, and she said to get him to the ER right away. So I'm freaking out. I'm thinking, "oh my gosh, my poor husband, and it's all my freaking fault!" I was crying and apologizing and crying some more. We called Tami and she stayed at our house (she's the best - she cleaned, she did dishes, she moved my hamper... teehehhe!!! I love ya Tamila!) Turns out, Greg does have influenza and there's not much the doctor could suggest to do for it. He did say it sounds like I have some of the symptoms though (backache, headache, etc...). I guess I probably deserve it.

Ugh. Next time Greg gets sick, I think I'll listen to him. I think this was one of those lessons... the ones that really suck and make you feel like crap, but ultimately, they change the way you think forever! I love you honey... can I make you some chicken noodle soup?

About Me

I am Greg's wife and Gabe's Mom, Bri. I have another blog, Gabe's Mom, in which I talk about my life as Gabe's Mommy. I thought since I'm enjoying this blog thing so much, that I'd have a blog dedicated to me! To my everyday life - as a mother, as a wife, a scrapbooker, photographer, etc... (things I may not always want to put on Gabe's blog - a "Debbie Downer" day or a day where I just need to vent!) So, here it is!

Thought I'd start out by providing a few things I love vs. a few things I really, really don't like:

LOVE:

• Family time - with my guys, my immediate family, & my in laws
• Reading - this is very relaxing for me - mostly books by Jodi Picoult, Barbara Delinsky, Nicholas Sparks, etc...
• Music - have to have it in the car - I'm old school. I don't buy music off of iTunes. There's something about having the CD case.
• People who love their kids and can say 'No' when they need to
• Hymns with altered arrangements
• Longaberger baskets - I know... pyramid company, but there's nothing like a new Longaberger basket smell, the wonderful liners, the new Wishlists that arrive in the mail...
• The sandwich maker. Awesome.
• Infomercials - only for kitchen appliances and scrapbooking stuff.
• My Cricut machine.
• The smell of a baby right after a bath and pj's.
• The sound of Gabe's laugh.
• The smell of Greg's colognes (Obsession, Dolce & Gabbana, & Drakar Noir)
• Planning - parties, showers, get togethers, meals, etc...
• Lists (hence the bullet list here)
• Ikea, Bed Bath & Beyond, Target, Archivers, Hobby Lobby

HATE (or Strongly Dislike, I'm not really a hater):

• Uptalkers - C'mon. Seriously. Does everything need to be a question?
• Closetalkers - I need my freakin' space.
• Getting a phone call to let me know that you have just sent me an email.
• Unflushed toilets
• Lights left on
• Washing bottles - Ugh
• Sci-Fi/Fantasy Stuff - Sorry, it bores me.
• Clothes shopping
• Sunburns
• Beets, squash, & pears

Random Things:

• I love to sing
• I have one tattoo
• I went to school to study audiology, but now work in accounting
• I am the oldest of 4 kids
• I love the shows House, Grey's Anatomy, Designed to Sell, 20/20, & Dateline
• I have an obsession with changing my blog design

Well, that's all you get for one day. Wanted to give you a glimpse of me before I started talking about my day to day issues! Happy Friday!