Can I just say....

That I've been really happy lately. Really, truly just enjoying life. And, well, that kinda scares the crap outta me.

I know that we SHOULD be happy and feel joyful and all of that. I know that. However, part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop, ya know? Part of me. The other part of me, the part of me I am choosing to listen to is saying:

Just stop. Enjoy this moment. Enjoy this time with your husband and your son. And your friends, your wonderful friends. Be thankful. Let your heart feel joy. Love your family. Love your marriage. Love it all.

The old me would have really been scared right now. The old me would've probably been jeoprodizing my happiness by choosing to be unhappy about little things - letting those little things grow into big things.

Why the change?

Well, there are a couple of reasons. 1). My husband. He is a wonderful man who has taught me that we should have happiness in our lives. The bad stuff is always going to be there, and it will find us. We shouldn't look for it. 2). I'm a parent of an adopted child. Even saying that sentence in my head sounds really weird to me, because I just don't think of him as adopted. He's just mine! When you adopt, there is uncertainty... birth parents can and do change their minds. However, you're not going to keep yourself from being happy at the birth of your child just because there's a possibility that you may not take that child into your arms as your own. No, you fall in love with them from the minute they are born, and I'm convinced they are yours at that very moment. So, even if you don't know if it's all going to work out or that none of the bad stuff will happen, you are happy in that moment and all you can do is love that child. 3). My faith has taught me that no matter what it is, I can survive it. I never imagined I'd miscarry a child. That has been the hardest thing I've been through. However, from that sorrow came great joy... And, I don't regret for a minute being ecstatic when we found out we were pregnant and sharing our joy with loved ones. Even if it ended badly and the shoe did drop, I was happy at that moment.

So, yes, I'm happy. I'm so very happy with my life, my family, my job, my home.

And, it feels good.

How I feel at Christmastime

• I Wish: More adoptive parents would consider open adoptions.
• I Love: When my son sees me walk into a room and says, "HI Mommy!"
• I Long: For the day when I have more self-confidence about who I am as a person and not just what people see on the outside.
• I Hurt: For people who don't think they need relationships. I've been around a few people like this in my life and it's so sad that they shut everyone out. They are missing out on so many wonderful things.
• I Imagine: What our house will look like when the work we want to do is complete. I'll probably be imagining that for a long time!
• I Wonder: How anyone can knit! So many people have tried to teach me and I swear... I'm hopeless.
• I Pray: That Gabe will dedicate his life to Christ someday. That he will know the joy of becoming a Christian and that he will experience the love that only Christ can give.
• I Sing: So many Christmas songs in the car, but right now my favorite ones are Rose of Bethlehem and Silent Night by Selah. Oh, and Oh Holy Night by Selah. Ok... so pretty much the entire Selah Christmas CD. If you've never heard of them, check them out - they are my favorite group of all time.
• I Hope: I can become a mom again some day. I would love for Gabe to have a sibling.
• I Hate: Feeling selfconscious.
• I Talk: About my son a lot. I hope I don't annoy people.
• I Hear: Quiet right now. Nothing but the sound of the keyboard and my party mix crunching while I enjoy some baby nap time.
• I Smell: Garlic. This smell will always remind me of my husband.
• I Miss: That feeling of innocence from when I was a child. When I didn't know about all of the junk going on in the world. A time when I thought most people were good and genuine.
• I Misbehave: In having an occasional cigarette. My husband is kinda restrictive on this one, so I do savor it when he's cool about it.
• I Envy: Other photographers. I know I'm learning... I just wish I could speed up the process a bit!
• I Fear: Giving my heart 100% to people. I am always skeptical for a while because I'm afraid of being hurt. I'm working on that.
• I Need: To lose some weight. I will feel so much better about myself, physically & mentally.

So, that's how I'm feeling this Christmas! I saw this idea on another blog I frequent and it inspired me to write too! You should try it!

Bob & Tom

I met Drew Hastings last night! We went with Steve & Tami to see the Bob & Tom Allstars Comedy Tour. We had so much fun!! I know this picture isn't very good quality, but it was taken with a cell phone. No big deal - I met Drew Hastings! He was really nice. Want to know something else? Chick has a really wimpy handshake. Sorry, just had to say that.

We had a great time with Steve & Tami (as always). We ate at Bernardi's (I had the coconut shrimp - amazing) and then we headed to the show. We couldn't believe how many grandmas and grandpas were there watching all these guys make crude jokes and use potty mouths! It was quite fun to watch some guy in his 70's get picked on by Bob Zany.

Gabe stayed the night at Abba & PawPaw's, so we got to sleep in a bit today. It was quite nice! This afternoon, Tami is keeping Gabe for a few hours so Greg and I can try and get some Christmas shopping done.

Thanks for the double-date night, honey! I'm so glad we could celebrate your birthday with such a fun evening.