This is a post I wasn't sure I was going to write, but after thinking about it all day, I decided to go ahead and do so. What's the point in hiding and keeping it to myself? It's not really a big deal, other than I finally know what's up with me. I finally know after 8 years of infertility what the deal is. So, here goes... (you might want to grab a cup of coffee...)
I have to start off by saying the doctor I've had for the last seven years is really a good person. A wonderful, compassionate human being. He had wonderful bedside manner. However, diagnostically, he just wasn't helping me. He was perfectly content to let me coast on by and never attempt to fix or put a name to my condition. When I say condition, here are my symptoms:
- infertility
- annovulation
- weight gain
- forgetfulness
- extreme hypothyroidism
- sluggish, constantly fatigued feeling
- depression
I went months, then years, trying infertility treatments. Never sure what the real problem was. In my mind, I always thought, "There HAS to be a reason. I was not just born this way". The only time I was ever really given much of a diagnosis was when I was coming out of surgery. I was advised that I have polycystic ovarian syndrome. This was the cause of my infertility. I wasn't ever really tested for it. Small cysts were found on my ovaries, but that's pretty much where it was left. I was naive and believed my doctor - that I was just born this way, and that we could take temporary measures to treat my condition.
Well, I got a phone call from my mom not long ago. She was concerned about my health and had delayed telling me that. She didn't want to hurt my feelings. That was the wake up call I needed to change doctors. Believe it or not, this was a hard thing for me to do. I was kind of attached to my doctor. We'd been through a lot. He held my hand as we went back for the D&C after my miscarriage. And, he continued to hold my hand until I fell asleep. But, as much as that meant to me, I knew it was time for a change.
My mother in law had suggested an OBGYN's office a long time ago because she knew one of the ladies who works there. I gave them a call. I was able to get in right away. I see a nurse practitioner and she is wonderful. She spent 45 minutes with me after I had met with the nurse and she explained that with my symptoms, she really believed I have PCOS. So, she scheduled a sonogram and bloodwork to see if we could confirm that. At the sonogram, the tech was fantastic. She explained everything she saw and advised the NP would meet with me afterwards to discuss everything.
Turns out, my ovaries showed little to no sign of PCOS. When the nurse practitioner came in, she said, "Well, I am stumped!" (at my first appointment, I told her I would stump her!). She really thought that my symptoms closely resembled PCOS (I only have 2 or 3 symptoms), but she thought I may also have lupus. For those of you who watch House... It's never lupus.
So, I had my blood drawn for a lupus panel and the NP advised she would talk to the head doctor of the office and see if he had any other ideas of what it could be. That afternoon, I got a call back that he really believed I have Hashimoto's Disease, with a touch of PCOS. The simplest explanation is I have a thyroid autoimmune disease. So, guess how you work with it and treat it? Weightloss. Which is really ironic - weightgain is one of the symptoms. Suck.
So, I should be thankful that I've been diagnosed. I should be thankful that it's not lupus (not 100% sure on that... still awaiting labs, but they really don't think that's what it is).
But honestly, I'm not thankful. I'm pretty depressed actually. I hate that I have trouble with my weight. I hate that because of my condition, it's harder to lose the weight. I hate that I don't like fruit. I hate that I can't eat sweets anymore. I know... I'm being a Debbie Downer. But, this is really hard for me. I feel like I've lost a vice - I've lost a comfort thing.
So, the reason I decided to post this is the same reason I post entries about our miscarriage and infertility. If one person reads this, and it helps them because they know they're not alone, it's worth it. I think I've said before, infertility is a very lonely place. If one person knows that I hate it that I can't have cake just like them, then it's worth it!
So, there you have it... my diagnosis. My life sentence. There's no curing this, so I'd better learn how to live with it. If any of you are pray-ers out there, please pray that I can come to a peace about this and not be so bitter. And, that I learn to love the taste of carrots instead of carrot cake.
6 comments:
I thought your post was very truthful and honest! I think having a diagnosis is a double-edged sword. Especially with infertility - on one hand you know what's wrong, but, on the other hand that small glimmer of hope that it could happen on its own starts to fade. I've gone through all of those feelings. I'm supposed to have surgery to rule out endo but need to jump through insurance hoops which is almost as frustrating as infertility. It would be good to not be unexplained anymore but it still sucks overall - it's a no win situation.
I think it's great that you talk about your infertility and diagnosis and all of the tests. I had the panel drawn for lupus also. It's a lot of vials! - and you're right, just like House, it's almost never lupus.
Anyway, great post. You are not alone in the sucky world of infertility. I hope that you can find some peace with your diagnosis.
Jennifer, thanks for the comments. I am glad I posted this... it helps me to talk about it. I find comfort in writing (even if I'm not very good at it!). I like getting my thoughts out there - it's somewhat theraputic. I will keep you in my prayers because I know how you're feeling. I know how isolating it can be.
I hope I can give you some comfort in saying that the surgery for the endo - if you're having a laprascopy - is not bad at all. I had one of those in 2002 and I've been through a lot worse in this long road of infertility! Good luck and I hope you get a good report.
All I can say is, hang in there. It will get better and you will be a mom someday. And when you are, all the pain, all the junk, all the rollercoaster rides are worth it.
Praying for you Bri.
I actually was diagnosed with Hashimoto's Disease. Mine was due to a thyroid goiter. Through medicine the goiter shrunk and now I don't have to take anything any more. The encouraging thing is that thryoid diseases are totally manageable. Sure you'll have to get your blood drawn ALL the time but it's not a big deal. I hope that you are able to work through all of this easily!
Hey Bri, I'm glad to hear about your doctor change, and that you've got someone who has worked hard to help you figure out what's going on. But I'm sad to hear about news. That's a lot to take, although it explains a lot, its hard too. Thanks so much for your honesty and you let me know when you want to get together sometime to do some girl time!
Bri- I am a little slow at keeping up on the blogs so please forgive me. But I did just read this and wanted to give you a hug. Good job for putting it out there. I know you told Steph and I about some of this and you were thinking of changing Dr's, its a HUGE thing, its change, its scary. Good for you. I think a lot of times we people forget Dr.s are just people too. We have to second guess them and its ok. I am proud of you for talking about it. Its not easy I am sure of that. I can not relate to the infertility, however I can empathize with you and pray that if its in God's plan you will have a baby or be blessed with another adopted child, which ever is in his plan. I can however relate to you on the weight loss issue. I battled it my whole life until I chose weight watchers and took it seriously. It is so much more than food, its emotions, feelings, comfort, its a huge thing, huge change. Its very hard and very frustrating. I could write a book on my weight loss journey (ups and downs). I can only offer my advice and help to you on that, your not alone there either. After July, Ill be right back at it (since loosing is not an option right now), journaling everything I eat and drink everyday. Wishing I didnt have to be so careful, wishing I could be like other people and eat and drink as I please. But Im not. So I have to do what I learned and it works for me and it will be my forever lifestyle. I can also relate to being comfortable where I was at. Strange as it seems. The more weight I lost the stranger and more uneasy I felt. Its so weird. Any way you wanna talk about that stuff, we can get together so I dont write a book on here!
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