feeling

I've been down in the dumps lately.

Ok, so this is probably going to be a "downer" post. But, I think I owe a little explanation as to why I haven't been on for a bit. I should start by saying that I'm a people pleaser. I really dislike this quality about myself. For some, being firm, saying what you think, and being confident comes naturally to them. For me, not the case.

I spend so much time trying to please others and avoid confrontation. In trying to please other people, I end up disappointing myself and realizing that no matter how hard I try, I'm never going to please everyone. I know what you're thinking... it sounds so silly. So ridiculous. To think that I need to make everyone else happy. But, honestly, I can't help it. That's the way I'm built.

I think in my old age, (I'll be 30 in September!!) I'm learning that it's just too tiring. It's too much. I can't please everyone, and I think I'm going to stop trying. No more reading intimidating blogs that I think I need to live up to. No more worrying about my photography - in fact, I'm going to take pictures to the best of my ability and if I love them, I'll consider them good. And, no more worrying that every thing I do is the wrong thing. That's what we have prayer for. We have a God we can go to - completely UNperfect, completely vulnerable, and say, "Here God. This is what I've got. This is who I am. YOU made me and YOU love me."

It's such a waste of such valuable time to try and please everyone. Now, does that mean I just don't care anymore? No. This means that instead of worrying about what everyone else thinks, I'm going to make decisions based on what God wants me to do. And, if I just don't know what that is, I'm going to pray until I find out. This also means that I'm going to love those wonderful people in my life -the people whose opinion really matters to me- to the fullest. I'm going concentrate not on what I don't know, but what I do know. I'm going to set some small goals in my photography business. I'm going to reach those goals and set some higher ones.

As with some of my other posts, I was hesitant to share this. I was afraid of being vulnerable and concerned about what other people thought of me. The real me. But, then again, isn't that what this post is about?

So, here's some stuff about me. The REAL me. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

1. I have gray hair. And, honestly, it doesn't really bother me too much.
2. I count stairs as I go down them. I've fallen too many times and this helps me concentrate on not missing a step.
3. I am very proud of my photography. I love that other people love it.
4. If I could spend $100 on clothes or scrapbooking stuff, I would choose scrapbooking stuff.
5. I hate exercising and I know I need to do it.
6. I think owls are adorable. Not the real ones of course, just the cute, trendy ones.
7. When I get stressed out, I have heart palpitations.
8. I worry about Gabe all the time.
9. I sometimes worry about getting close to God because so many of my Christian mentors have had extremely hard lives. Our family's been through so much already, I am so afraid to just trust and let God take care of them... even though I know I have no real control anyway.
10. I would love to have another child, but worry that it will be too much to handle.
11. I need to lose weight. I am an emotional eater.
12. I make my brother and sisters (and Greg) tell me "I will be" when I tell them to be careful. Thinking this will keep them from any harm - again, foolish to think I have any control.
13. I like the shows American Idol, House, Dateline, and I miss watching Grey's Anatomy.
14. I love taking Gabe for walks.
15. I have the most forgiving, generous, faithful, loving husband.
16. I hope that Gabe talks about me like I talk about my parents.
17. I hope when I get to Heaven, I'll see my little girl there.
18. It seems like whenever I look at the clock it's 9:17. Too weird.
19. I would trust my friend, Tami with anything.
20. I hate my fat fingers.
21. I love getting blog comments.
22. I love getting the mail at the post office. I love the smell... again, weird.
23. I love to eat saltine crackers in my ice cream.
24. I always sing in the car. Yeah, you've probably seen me. I don't even care if people see. :)

SO, there you have just some random stuff about me. The real me. The blogger me, the Mommy me, the wifey me, and the friend me.