feeling

I've been down in the dumps lately.

Ok, so this is probably going to be a "downer" post. But, I think I owe a little explanation as to why I haven't been on for a bit. I should start by saying that I'm a people pleaser. I really dislike this quality about myself. For some, being firm, saying what you think, and being confident comes naturally to them. For me, not the case.

I spend so much time trying to please others and avoid confrontation. In trying to please other people, I end up disappointing myself and realizing that no matter how hard I try, I'm never going to please everyone. I know what you're thinking... it sounds so silly. So ridiculous. To think that I need to make everyone else happy. But, honestly, I can't help it. That's the way I'm built.

I think in my old age, (I'll be 30 in September!!) I'm learning that it's just too tiring. It's too much. I can't please everyone, and I think I'm going to stop trying. No more reading intimidating blogs that I think I need to live up to. No more worrying about my photography - in fact, I'm going to take pictures to the best of my ability and if I love them, I'll consider them good. And, no more worrying that every thing I do is the wrong thing. That's what we have prayer for. We have a God we can go to - completely UNperfect, completely vulnerable, and say, "Here God. This is what I've got. This is who I am. YOU made me and YOU love me."

It's such a waste of such valuable time to try and please everyone. Now, does that mean I just don't care anymore? No. This means that instead of worrying about what everyone else thinks, I'm going to make decisions based on what God wants me to do. And, if I just don't know what that is, I'm going to pray until I find out. This also means that I'm going to love those wonderful people in my life -the people whose opinion really matters to me- to the fullest. I'm going concentrate not on what I don't know, but what I do know. I'm going to set some small goals in my photography business. I'm going to reach those goals and set some higher ones.

As with some of my other posts, I was hesitant to share this. I was afraid of being vulnerable and concerned about what other people thought of me. The real me. But, then again, isn't that what this post is about?

So, here's some stuff about me. The REAL me. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

1. I have gray hair. And, honestly, it doesn't really bother me too much.
2. I count stairs as I go down them. I've fallen too many times and this helps me concentrate on not missing a step.
3. I am very proud of my photography. I love that other people love it.
4. If I could spend $100 on clothes or scrapbooking stuff, I would choose scrapbooking stuff.
5. I hate exercising and I know I need to do it.
6. I think owls are adorable. Not the real ones of course, just the cute, trendy ones.
7. When I get stressed out, I have heart palpitations.
8. I worry about Gabe all the time.
9. I sometimes worry about getting close to God because so many of my Christian mentors have had extremely hard lives. Our family's been through so much already, I am so afraid to just trust and let God take care of them... even though I know I have no real control anyway.
10. I would love to have another child, but worry that it will be too much to handle.
11. I need to lose weight. I am an emotional eater.
12. I make my brother and sisters (and Greg) tell me "I will be" when I tell them to be careful. Thinking this will keep them from any harm - again, foolish to think I have any control.
13. I like the shows American Idol, House, Dateline, and I miss watching Grey's Anatomy.
14. I love taking Gabe for walks.
15. I have the most forgiving, generous, faithful, loving husband.
16. I hope that Gabe talks about me like I talk about my parents.
17. I hope when I get to Heaven, I'll see my little girl there.
18. It seems like whenever I look at the clock it's 9:17. Too weird.
19. I would trust my friend, Tami with anything.
20. I hate my fat fingers.
21. I love getting blog comments.
22. I love getting the mail at the post office. I love the smell... again, weird.
23. I love to eat saltine crackers in my ice cream.
24. I always sing in the car. Yeah, you've probably seen me. I don't even care if people see. :)

SO, there you have just some random stuff about me. The real me. The blogger me, the Mommy me, the wifey me, and the friend me.

BFF's, Top Fives, and Refrigerator Friends

So, how many of you out there (that is if I have any readers left because I've been such a bad blogger!) have more than one best friend? I understand the concept of good, better, best. However, I don't believe that to be a categorization for people. Sure it works for grades, it works for classifying things, and it works for sports and other contests. But for me, for people, it's not like that. I can't rate my friends based on who I like best.

All of the people I am blessed to have in my life are there for many reasons. All of them mean something different, or something the same to me. Meaning, there are friends I can trust with any secret, any short-coming, any heartache. There are other friends, that I consider best friends not necessarily because I would tell them everything, but because I absolutely love their company. I am blessed by their friendship. Their life totally enriches mine.

I love my friends. Right now, I am at a place in my life where I have more than one best friend. I am fortunate enough to say that I can name 5 people right now that I would drop anything for. That I would be there for in the middle of the night. That I would cry with if they were hurting. To me, that doesn't mean that I am open with too many people. I am who I am. I have chosen to wear my heart on my sleeve (or maybe I haven't chosen that - maybe that's just how God made me). However, that doesn't mean that I will share my friends' hearts on my sleeve. Even though I have more than one best friend, I hope they all know that their secrets are safe with me. I have opened myself up to be vulnerable by wearing my heart on my sleeve. Because I haven't been afraid to do that, I have made some lifelong friendships.

To my BFF's, to my top fives, and to my refrigerator friends, I love you all. God has blessed me so much, that I never worry about having someone to go to when I need them. Or, someone to have a great time with when I want to. I won't rate you all on a scale - you, my best friends, are all #1.

I love Fall.

Today was just beautiful... except for going to a new doctor, an endocrinologist. Suck. It didn't go near as well as I'd hoped. I left there feeling 10x more confused than when I walked in the door. More to follow... just too tired to write the whole thing out.

Thoughts of an Infertile Woman...

Ok, I know it's been a long time since I've posted. But, I do have reason... I am the mom of a busy toddler, I work part time in the office, and full time at home, etc... I also have another reason for delaying a post. I've been considering writing this post for a while now because it's been on my chest and I just haven't been sure if I should "put it out there". But, I think as Gabe & Rafiki from The Lion King would say, "It is time."

I just wanted to share some random thoughts on what it is like to be an infertile woman. I want to say right away that 1. I am not writing this for sympathy. 2. I am not writing this to be insensitive. 3. I am not writing this to complain in any way about what I do/do not have. I AM writing this because I think 1. It is something that most people don't talk about. 2. I want to make people more conscious of the things they say and do. 3. So if any infertile women out there are reading this, they know that at least one other woman has thought what they think. That they're not alone. That it is natural and normal to feel these feelings. Infertility, to me, is one of the loneliest feelings in the world. No one seems to understand how you're feeling and no one can make it better. Ok, now I feel like I can begin...

• Everytime I found out another woman was pregnant, it crushed me. I don't care how great of friends we were, it crushed me. I was so happy for them, but honestly, I was angry too. How could they be?? They just started trying! They can't possibly want a baby as badly as we do.
• I made myself involved in baby showers, shopping with friends for baby stuff, saying things like, "well, when I get pregnant...". I'm not sure why I did that. I guess maybe I thought it would be easier if I talked with my friend through it instead of distancing myself. I don't really do this anymore. I think I realized it was a way to experience it, but once the baby was born and the parents were busy, I was kind of alone all over again.
• I hate comments like, "If you just relax, it will happen" or "When you least expect it, it will happen", or "It will happen in God's timing". Yes, thank you. I know all of those things CAN be true. However, I have an actual medical condition why it doesn't just happen. It's not all about positive thinking, praying more, and letting go and doing it with your hubby.
• It drove me crazy knowing that if there was anything in this world I wanted to do - be a doctor, be a lawyer, jump out of an airplane, I could work my tail off to do it. Granted, it wouldn't be easy, but I could achieve it. Having a child was different. No matter how much I wanted it, how much I worked towards it, truly it was God's timing and I had no choice in the matter.
• Infertility is very, very lonely. Yes, your husband wants a child. I don't know if they ever really feel it like women do though. I guess I have always felt a little bit like Greg got a broken model... a woman that doesn't "do" what she was made to do. He has never, ever made me feel that way, in fact, he has been so supportive. But, I just don't think it is the same for men as it is women. Your family sympathizes too, but can't begin to grasp how you're feeling. You always feel like friends and family have to watch what they say around you to protect your feelings. And, while that is extremely thoughtful, you feel like an outsider.
• I became friends with other women who were going through infertility as well, but I soon found out that really didn't help to much... one of us was always going to get pregnant before the other - it was unavoidable. I was always the one that wasn't pregnant and as much as those friends said things wouldn't, they always changed.

I'm still living with infertility now. I still have a lot of those lonely feelings. Yes, I do have a child - a wonderful, amazing, smart, kind child. I wouldn't trade him for a hundred children I could bear myself. I do still wish though, in the bottom of my heart, that someday I'll be able to experience giving birth to a child. If it isn't in the cards, if God doesn't want our family to be created that way, that's ok. I've learned through all of this so many big lessons. I'd like to share some of those too:

• God can take a heart that's been damaged so many times by the hopes of pregnancies month after month and the loss of a child through miscarriage, and completely fill that heart with joy so that it is overflowing. That happened to me when my son Gabe was born. I never ever thought after losing our child to miscarriage that I was even capable of joy again. I couldn't understand why God had blessed us beyond measure and then in the blink of an eye, our child was gone. I was angry with God for a long time because of that. Little did I know what joy He had in store for us.
• I am stronger than I thought I was. I really didn't know how I was going to survive the pain. It was unbearable. There was a night when I laid on the nursery floor and cried (with Jinxi bawled up right beside me). I wanted to give up and not try again. I didn't even want to adopt. The pain was too much - I didn't want to give my heart away.
• I have learned how to respond to other people's pain - many aspects of pain, not just infertility. God has given me a heart for hurting with other people. God has made me a better friend because of it. God has shown me how very valuable life is - how we need to treasure each moment. Even though I was only pregnant for a short time, I look back on those days and Greg and I were truly happy - we lived in the moment. Mom and I went maternity clothes shopping. We started the nursery. We told people. I am thankful that we did all of those things.
• I have learned what to say and what not to say. When to speak and when to listen. (Ok, sometimes I'm still working on this one!)

Because we went through this, I am a better friend. I am a better mom. I feel better about who I am. I would never wish infertility on my worst enemy, but it hasn't been completely devastating to me. In fact, it was devastating. I did fall down in defeat several times. However, I am stronger now. I am wiser now. And, I am a mom now. I am able to look back and reflect on the events that God used to create the tapestry of my life. He knew the entire time what the end result would be. He knew, even though He saw me hurting day after day - and still some days - that I was going to be better because of it. And, I am thankful for that.

Results

I think most of you already know this, but my lovely lady lumps are fine. The tumor (I have a flippin' tumor!) is just some dead tissue caused by "significant trauma to the breast". Um... How in the heck did I have significant trauma to one of my boobies and not know it? Well, probably because they're huge and I run into stuff all the time with them! Oh, and sometimes my son uses them as punching bags.

Anywho, thank you to all of you who prayed for my "woobies". I was so fortunate that nothing was wrong.

Greg comes home tonight after being gone on a short business trip. We've missed him, but this is probably the best behaved Gabers has been when Greg's been gone. So, that has definitely made things easier.

I would like to request prayers from you prayer warriors out there - Ok, eh hem, I kind of have a short list:

• A friend "N" lost one of her parents in a tragic motorcycle accident. This same accident left the other parent critically injured. Please pray that "N" will be able to handle this very long road ahead. I would specifically ask that you pray that she will feel God with her now.


• Steven Curtis Chapman, a Christian singer I grew up listening to, tragically lost his youngest daughter, Maria, when one of his sons accidently hit her with the car. I cannot begin to imagine the pain that family is feeling now. That poor boy who hit her. I just cannot let my mind go there.


• Todd & Angie Smith - they have been mentioned in previous posts. Things are starting to settle for them - their daily lives and routines have begun again. I pray they feel God's presence in those moments when they miss Audrey the most.


• Our nation and the future leader we choose this November.


• My family - I pray for their health and safety. That I can turn my worries over to God - when they travel, when we're apart, and when I just feel worry creeping in. That I can trust that God cares for them MORE than I do. Unimaginable. I just can't comprehend that.

Thank you in advance for your prayers. Please know, if you ever need prayer that I'd be honored to lift you up to our Father.

I don't know about you all, but it just seems like lately, there are so many tragedies. There are so many things happening all around us - people suffering, children dying, etc... Am I just noticing all of this now that I'm getting older? It's almost like you have to shut it off. I don't know if that makes sense or not... Let me rephrase... It's almost like you have to keep your mind from going to all of these places and hurting. For example, I talked to "N" last night. Her story was so sad, I about couldn't take it. I was literally holding the tears in. I really don't know how people with no faith can do it. I mean to think this is it? Personally, knowing that Heaven is waiting, brings me so much comfort in a world that is so fallen and full of pain. Pain is everywhere. I'm certainly not trying to be a "Debbie Downer". It's just this has really been on my mind lately. It's depressing to watch the news. It's heart-wrenching to read the blog of a mom dying of cancer.

I'm so thankful there's a way out of this. That God sent Jesus to take all that pain and all the sin and put it on His shoulders. Because, let me tell you, if I had to carry it, I wouldn't even be able to get up off the ground.

Thanks for hanging in there with me tonight. This is just what's on my mind.

-b (or b-bop, as "N" would call me)

Lighthearted

My most recent posts have been a little, how you say, heavy... So, I thought I'd throw another lighthearted one out there! Rock of Love 2 has become my guilty pleasure. It seriously is just one of those shows I can leave on and not worry about missing much. I mean, seriously, it's sad. It's really sad that I actually Tivo'd Rock of Love 2 this last Sunday so I wouldn't miss who got the boot.

I also found out on vacation that my brother in law & sister in law are Rock of Love 2 fans too! They DVR it while they're at church!! I just find it too funny that the new Rock of Love 2 episodes are on during the time most people are at church.

I'm hooked. I like it. I even find myself thinking, ok, maybe Bret Michaels does have a little charm... and he is pretty cute... hang on a second! Stop it! Stop it Bret Michaels! Quit working your voodoo mojo on me!! Nah, I'm just kiddin' around. It's a great show for vegging out and watching people with problems way crazier than mine!

STOP

Ok, I think today I hit bottom. I've known for a couple of days that I'm getting really worn out. With Greg travelling so much and with him being sick the last few days, I've had to take up the slack. Gabe was up last night for 2 hours. The night before, I got to bed at 2:00 am after going to the ER and got up at 6:45 with Gabe. So, today... I was freakin beat. When Gabe took his morning nap, I took a nap too. Then, this afternoon, I watched several hours of, get this, Rock of Love 2 with Bret Michaels of the famous band, Poison. Ok. Seriously. How worn out, tired, bored, and pathetic do you have to be to watch more than 5 minutes of that show?? I found myself getting into it, thinking, "No, don't get rid of Inna, your Ukrainian Love Tank"! Really?? I'm pathetic.

I think sometimes though, you need a stupid (and I mean, stupid), trashy, unrealistic reality show, or trashy romance novel, or something just to let your mind and body relax. I think that's why shows like that exist! Who would really add that to their Tivo list? I actually make it a point of not watching reality shows, because I don't want to get hooked on them. I think they're ridiculous. The shows are so obviously staged and some of those people that stay on and aren't "voted off" or "given a rose" or "given a backstage pass to stay in the house and continue to rock Bret Michael's world"are so obviously kept on for wow factor. In the episodes I saw today, Bret took his dates to a burlesque club, a lingerie shop, a 50's pin-up photo shoot, oh, and one girl actually cooked for him on the date she won.

Bret, I don't care if every rose HAD it's thorn (Had as in your glory days are way over!), you could not pay me enough money to play mud football, build you a chopper, clean your chopper in a bikini (if I was thin enough to wear one), or parade around you with fake boobs, lips, and eyelashes. IF I was thin enough.

But, as much as I think the show stinks, it did serve it's purpose for me today... I got to relax, take my mind off stuff, and veg out. Thank you Bret Michaels! You rocked my world.