Diagnosis

This is a post I wasn't sure I was going to write, but after thinking about it all day, I decided to go ahead and do so. What's the point in hiding and keeping it to myself? It's not really a big deal, other than I finally know what's up with me. I finally know after 8 years of infertility what the deal is. So, here goes... (you might want to grab a cup of coffee...)

I have to start off by saying the doctor I've had for the last seven years is really a good person. A wonderful, compassionate human being. He had wonderful bedside manner. However, diagnostically, he just wasn't helping me. He was perfectly content to let me coast on by and never attempt to fix or put a name to my condition. When I say condition, here are my symptoms:

• infertility
• annovulation
• weight gain
• forgetfulness
• extreme hypothyroidism
• sluggish, constantly fatigued feeling
• depression

I went months, then years, trying infertility treatments. Never sure what the real problem was. In my mind, I always thought, "There HAS to be a reason. I was not just born this way". The only time I was ever really given much of a diagnosis was when I was coming out of surgery. I was advised that I have polycystic ovarian syndrome. This was the cause of my infertility. I wasn't ever really tested for it. Small cysts were found on my ovaries, but that's pretty much where it was left. I was naive and believed my doctor - that I was just born this way, and that we could take temporary measures to treat my condition.

Well, I got a phone call from my mom not long ago. She was concerned about my health and had delayed telling me that. She didn't want to hurt my feelings. That was the wake up call I needed to change doctors. Believe it or not, this was a hard thing for me to do. I was kind of attached to my doctor. We'd been through a lot. He held my hand as we went back for the D&C after my miscarriage. And, he continued to hold my hand until I fell asleep. But, as much as that meant to me, I knew it was time for a change.

My mother in law had suggested an OBGYN's office a long time ago because she knew one of the ladies who works there. I gave them a call. I was able to get in right away. I see a nurse practitioner and she is wonderful. She spent 45 minutes with me after I had met with the nurse and she explained that with my symptoms, she really believed I have PCOS. So, she scheduled a sonogram and bloodwork to see if we could confirm that. At the sonogram, the tech was fantastic. She explained everything she saw and advised the NP would meet with me afterwards to discuss everything.

Turns out, my ovaries showed little to no sign of PCOS. When the nurse practitioner came in, she said, "Well, I am stumped!" (at my first appointment, I told her I would stump her!). She really thought that my symptoms closely resembled PCOS (I only have 2 or 3 symptoms), but she thought I may also have lupus. For those of you who watch House... It's never lupus.

So, I had my blood drawn for a lupus panel and the NP advised she would talk to the head doctor of the office and see if he had any other ideas of what it could be. That afternoon, I got a call back that he really believed I have Hashimoto's Disease, with a touch of PCOS. The simplest explanation is I have a thyroid autoimmune disease. So, guess how you work with it and treat it? Weightloss. Which is really ironic - weightgain is one of the symptoms. Suck.

So, I should be thankful that I've been diagnosed. I should be thankful that it's not lupus (not 100% sure on that... still awaiting labs, but they really don't think that's what it is).

But honestly, I'm not thankful. I'm pretty depressed actually. I hate that I have trouble with my weight. I hate that because of my condition, it's harder to lose the weight. I hate that I don't like fruit. I hate that I can't eat sweets anymore. I know... I'm being a Debbie Downer. But, this is really hard for me. I feel like I've lost a vice - I've lost a comfort thing.

So, the reason I decided to post this is the same reason I post entries about our miscarriage and infertility. If one person reads this, and it helps them because they know they're not alone, it's worth it. I think I've said before, infertility is a very lonely place. If one person knows that I hate it that I can't have cake just like them, then it's worth it!

So, there you have it... my diagnosis. My life sentence. There's no curing this, so I'd better learn how to live with it. If any of you are pray-ers out there, please pray that I can come to a peace about this and not be so bitter. And, that I learn to love the taste of carrots instead of carrot cake.

BFF's, Top Fives, and Refrigerator Friends

So, how many of you out there (that is if I have any readers left because I've been such a bad blogger!) have more than one best friend? I understand the concept of good, better, best. However, I don't believe that to be a categorization for people. Sure it works for grades, it works for classifying things, and it works for sports and other contests. But for me, for people, it's not like that. I can't rate my friends based on who I like best.

All of the people I am blessed to have in my life are there for many reasons. All of them mean something different, or something the same to me. Meaning, there are friends I can trust with any secret, any short-coming, any heartache. There are other friends, that I consider best friends not necessarily because I would tell them everything, but because I absolutely love their company. I am blessed by their friendship. Their life totally enriches mine.

I love my friends. Right now, I am at a place in my life where I have more than one best friend. I am fortunate enough to say that I can name 5 people right now that I would drop anything for. That I would be there for in the middle of the night. That I would cry with if they were hurting. To me, that doesn't mean that I am open with too many people. I am who I am. I have chosen to wear my heart on my sleeve (or maybe I haven't chosen that - maybe that's just how God made me). However, that doesn't mean that I will share my friends' hearts on my sleeve. Even though I have more than one best friend, I hope they all know that their secrets are safe with me. I have opened myself up to be vulnerable by wearing my heart on my sleeve. Because I haven't been afraid to do that, I have made some lifelong friendships.

To my BFF's, to my top fives, and to my refrigerator friends, I love you all. God has blessed me so much, that I never worry about having someone to go to when I need them. Or, someone to have a great time with when I want to. I won't rate you all on a scale - you, my best friends, are all #1.

Can I just say....

That I've been really happy lately. Really, truly just enjoying life. And, well, that kinda scares the crap outta me.

I know that we SHOULD be happy and feel joyful and all of that. I know that. However, part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop, ya know? Part of me. The other part of me, the part of me I am choosing to listen to is saying:

Just stop. Enjoy this moment. Enjoy this time with your husband and your son. And your friends, your wonderful friends. Be thankful. Let your heart feel joy. Love your family. Love your marriage. Love it all.

The old me would have really been scared right now. The old me would've probably been jeoprodizing my happiness by choosing to be unhappy about little things - letting those little things grow into big things.

Why the change?

Well, there are a couple of reasons. 1). My husband. He is a wonderful man who has taught me that we should have happiness in our lives. The bad stuff is always going to be there, and it will find us. We shouldn't look for it. 2). I'm a parent of an adopted child. Even saying that sentence in my head sounds really weird to me, because I just don't think of him as adopted. He's just mine! When you adopt, there is uncertainty... birth parents can and do change their minds. However, you're not going to keep yourself from being happy at the birth of your child just because there's a possibility that you may not take that child into your arms as your own. No, you fall in love with them from the minute they are born, and I'm convinced they are yours at that very moment. So, even if you don't know if it's all going to work out or that none of the bad stuff will happen, you are happy in that moment and all you can do is love that child. 3). My faith has taught me that no matter what it is, I can survive it. I never imagined I'd miscarry a child. That has been the hardest thing I've been through. However, from that sorrow came great joy... And, I don't regret for a minute being ecstatic when we found out we were pregnant and sharing our joy with loved ones. Even if it ended badly and the shoe did drop, I was happy at that moment.

So, yes, I'm happy. I'm so very happy with my life, my family, my job, my home.

And, it feels good.

How I feel at Christmastime

• I Wish: More adoptive parents would consider open adoptions.
• I Love: When my son sees me walk into a room and says, "HI Mommy!"
• I Long: For the day when I have more self-confidence about who I am as a person and not just what people see on the outside.
• I Hurt: For people who don't think they need relationships. I've been around a few people like this in my life and it's so sad that they shut everyone out. They are missing out on so many wonderful things.
• I Imagine: What our house will look like when the work we want to do is complete. I'll probably be imagining that for a long time!
• I Wonder: How anyone can knit! So many people have tried to teach me and I swear... I'm hopeless.
• I Pray: That Gabe will dedicate his life to Christ someday. That he will know the joy of becoming a Christian and that he will experience the love that only Christ can give.
• I Sing: So many Christmas songs in the car, but right now my favorite ones are Rose of Bethlehem and Silent Night by Selah. Oh, and Oh Holy Night by Selah. Ok... so pretty much the entire Selah Christmas CD. If you've never heard of them, check them out - they are my favorite group of all time.
• I Hope: I can become a mom again some day. I would love for Gabe to have a sibling.
• I Hate: Feeling selfconscious.
• I Talk: About my son a lot. I hope I don't annoy people.
• I Hear: Quiet right now. Nothing but the sound of the keyboard and my party mix crunching while I enjoy some baby nap time.
• I Smell: Garlic. This smell will always remind me of my husband.
• I Miss: That feeling of innocence from when I was a child. When I didn't know about all of the junk going on in the world. A time when I thought most people were good and genuine.
• I Misbehave: In having an occasional cigarette. My husband is kinda restrictive on this one, so I do savor it when he's cool about it.
• I Envy: Other photographers. I know I'm learning... I just wish I could speed up the process a bit!
• I Fear: Giving my heart 100% to people. I am always skeptical for a while because I'm afraid of being hurt. I'm working on that.
• I Need: To lose some weight. I will feel so much better about myself, physically & mentally.

So, that's how I'm feeling this Christmas! I saw this idea on another blog I frequent and it inspired me to write too! You should try it!

My One and Only Someone

Reasons why I love my hubby:

1. He worked his butt off today. We just got back from camping and Greg braved the hot, humid weather to clean our camper up and organize the outside compartments. (while I was inside, in the air conditioning, cleaning and putting things away)
2. He taught Gabe about Pez candy today.
3. He brought me a Coke from Casey's and I didn't even ask for it.
4. He is the most forgiving, generous, funny person I know.
5. He's so cute - and he doesn't even know it.
6. He loves me for who I am - realizes I have faults, accepts those faults, and loves me completely. I will never know how I got one of the best men out there.
7. He is so patient with Gabe.
8. He requires time with Gabe - meaning if they haven't had some Daddy/Gabe time in a while, he is sure to take him on a walk, or play with him, or put Gabe's favorite show on the TV and sit in the recliner with him.
9. He found Gabe a favorite cartoon on a morning that he let me sleep in.
10. He looks dang adorable sitting in the recliner sleeping with his mouth open.

I love you babe... these are just some of the reasons why.