Working on it.

So, I'm gaining a little bit of confidence... I'm working on it anyway! I just took these pictures of twin 5 year olds and I sent the album to their parents. Later that night, I had a voicemail from their mom and she was thrilled with them. It was such a good feeling to know that they liked them. I'm really trying to live by my previous post and just consider my pictures good if I like them. Because you know what? No matter how good I get (and I realize I still have SO much to learn), I'm never going to be able to please everyone. It's impossible!

So, the point of this post is that I'm feeling like I can be confident without being pretentious. I used to worry (there's that worry again for ya!) that if I was confident in my abilities that I would come across as pretentious. But, I'm learning that you can feel good about what you do, graciously accept compliments and criticism and it's cool!

This may not seem like much, but this is a huge step for me. I feel so great about this new "revelation".

And, my BFF, Tami, and her daughter, Whitney, were over last night and told me I needed to create a Facebook group for Wish I Might Photography. Whitney said, "Dude, I'll create one if you won't!" So, I did. And, I already have 13 members. Pretty cool.

feeling

I've been down in the dumps lately.

Ok, so this is probably going to be a "downer" post. But, I think I owe a little explanation as to why I haven't been on for a bit. I should start by saying that I'm a people pleaser. I really dislike this quality about myself. For some, being firm, saying what you think, and being confident comes naturally to them. For me, not the case.

I spend so much time trying to please others and avoid confrontation. In trying to please other people, I end up disappointing myself and realizing that no matter how hard I try, I'm never going to please everyone. I know what you're thinking... it sounds so silly. So ridiculous. To think that I need to make everyone else happy. But, honestly, I can't help it. That's the way I'm built.

I think in my old age, (I'll be 30 in September!!) I'm learning that it's just too tiring. It's too much. I can't please everyone, and I think I'm going to stop trying. No more reading intimidating blogs that I think I need to live up to. No more worrying about my photography - in fact, I'm going to take pictures to the best of my ability and if I love them, I'll consider them good. And, no more worrying that every thing I do is the wrong thing. That's what we have prayer for. We have a God we can go to - completely UNperfect, completely vulnerable, and say, "Here God. This is what I've got. This is who I am. YOU made me and YOU love me."

It's such a waste of such valuable time to try and please everyone. Now, does that mean I just don't care anymore? No. This means that instead of worrying about what everyone else thinks, I'm going to make decisions based on what God wants me to do. And, if I just don't know what that is, I'm going to pray until I find out. This also means that I'm going to love those wonderful people in my life -the people whose opinion really matters to me- to the fullest. I'm going concentrate not on what I don't know, but what I do know. I'm going to set some small goals in my photography business. I'm going to reach those goals and set some higher ones.

As with some of my other posts, I was hesitant to share this. I was afraid of being vulnerable and concerned about what other people thought of me. The real me. But, then again, isn't that what this post is about?

So, here's some stuff about me. The REAL me. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

1. I have gray hair. And, honestly, it doesn't really bother me too much.
2. I count stairs as I go down them. I've fallen too many times and this helps me concentrate on not missing a step.
3. I am very proud of my photography. I love that other people love it.
4. If I could spend $100 on clothes or scrapbooking stuff, I would choose scrapbooking stuff.
5. I hate exercising and I know I need to do it.
6. I think owls are adorable. Not the real ones of course, just the cute, trendy ones.
7. When I get stressed out, I have heart palpitations.
8. I worry about Gabe all the time.
9. I sometimes worry about getting close to God because so many of my Christian mentors have had extremely hard lives. Our family's been through so much already, I am so afraid to just trust and let God take care of them... even though I know I have no real control anyway.
10. I would love to have another child, but worry that it will be too much to handle.
11. I need to lose weight. I am an emotional eater.
12. I make my brother and sisters (and Greg) tell me "I will be" when I tell them to be careful. Thinking this will keep them from any harm - again, foolish to think I have any control.
13. I like the shows American Idol, House, Dateline, and I miss watching Grey's Anatomy.
14. I love taking Gabe for walks.
15. I have the most forgiving, generous, faithful, loving husband.
16. I hope that Gabe talks about me like I talk about my parents.
17. I hope when I get to Heaven, I'll see my little girl there.
18. It seems like whenever I look at the clock it's 9:17. Too weird.
19. I would trust my friend, Tami with anything.
20. I hate my fat fingers.
21. I love getting blog comments.
22. I love getting the mail at the post office. I love the smell... again, weird.
23. I love to eat saltine crackers in my ice cream.
24. I always sing in the car. Yeah, you've probably seen me. I don't even care if people see. :)

SO, there you have just some random stuff about me. The real me. The blogger me, the Mommy me, the wifey me, and the friend me.

Diagnosis

This is a post I wasn't sure I was going to write, but after thinking about it all day, I decided to go ahead and do so. What's the point in hiding and keeping it to myself? It's not really a big deal, other than I finally know what's up with me. I finally know after 8 years of infertility what the deal is. So, here goes... (you might want to grab a cup of coffee...)

I have to start off by saying the doctor I've had for the last seven years is really a good person. A wonderful, compassionate human being. He had wonderful bedside manner. However, diagnostically, he just wasn't helping me. He was perfectly content to let me coast on by and never attempt to fix or put a name to my condition. When I say condition, here are my symptoms:

• infertility
• annovulation
• weight gain
• forgetfulness
• extreme hypothyroidism
• sluggish, constantly fatigued feeling
• depression

I went months, then years, trying infertility treatments. Never sure what the real problem was. In my mind, I always thought, "There HAS to be a reason. I was not just born this way". The only time I was ever really given much of a diagnosis was when I was coming out of surgery. I was advised that I have polycystic ovarian syndrome. This was the cause of my infertility. I wasn't ever really tested for it. Small cysts were found on my ovaries, but that's pretty much where it was left. I was naive and believed my doctor - that I was just born this way, and that we could take temporary measures to treat my condition.

Well, I got a phone call from my mom not long ago. She was concerned about my health and had delayed telling me that. She didn't want to hurt my feelings. That was the wake up call I needed to change doctors. Believe it or not, this was a hard thing for me to do. I was kind of attached to my doctor. We'd been through a lot. He held my hand as we went back for the D&C after my miscarriage. And, he continued to hold my hand until I fell asleep. But, as much as that meant to me, I knew it was time for a change.

My mother in law had suggested an OBGYN's office a long time ago because she knew one of the ladies who works there. I gave them a call. I was able to get in right away. I see a nurse practitioner and she is wonderful. She spent 45 minutes with me after I had met with the nurse and she explained that with my symptoms, she really believed I have PCOS. So, she scheduled a sonogram and bloodwork to see if we could confirm that. At the sonogram, the tech was fantastic. She explained everything she saw and advised the NP would meet with me afterwards to discuss everything.

Turns out, my ovaries showed little to no sign of PCOS. When the nurse practitioner came in, she said, "Well, I am stumped!" (at my first appointment, I told her I would stump her!). She really thought that my symptoms closely resembled PCOS (I only have 2 or 3 symptoms), but she thought I may also have lupus. For those of you who watch House... It's never lupus.

So, I had my blood drawn for a lupus panel and the NP advised she would talk to the head doctor of the office and see if he had any other ideas of what it could be. That afternoon, I got a call back that he really believed I have Hashimoto's Disease, with a touch of PCOS. The simplest explanation is I have a thyroid autoimmune disease. So, guess how you work with it and treat it? Weightloss. Which is really ironic - weightgain is one of the symptoms. Suck.

So, I should be thankful that I've been diagnosed. I should be thankful that it's not lupus (not 100% sure on that... still awaiting labs, but they really don't think that's what it is).

But honestly, I'm not thankful. I'm pretty depressed actually. I hate that I have trouble with my weight. I hate that because of my condition, it's harder to lose the weight. I hate that I don't like fruit. I hate that I can't eat sweets anymore. I know... I'm being a Debbie Downer. But, this is really hard for me. I feel like I've lost a vice - I've lost a comfort thing.

So, the reason I decided to post this is the same reason I post entries about our miscarriage and infertility. If one person reads this, and it helps them because they know they're not alone, it's worth it. I think I've said before, infertility is a very lonely place. If one person knows that I hate it that I can't have cake just like them, then it's worth it!

So, there you have it... my diagnosis. My life sentence. There's no curing this, so I'd better learn how to live with it. If any of you are pray-ers out there, please pray that I can come to a peace about this and not be so bitter. And, that I learn to love the taste of carrots instead of carrot cake.

BFF's, Top Fives, and Refrigerator Friends

So, how many of you out there (that is if I have any readers left because I've been such a bad blogger!) have more than one best friend? I understand the concept of good, better, best. However, I don't believe that to be a categorization for people. Sure it works for grades, it works for classifying things, and it works for sports and other contests. But for me, for people, it's not like that. I can't rate my friends based on who I like best.

All of the people I am blessed to have in my life are there for many reasons. All of them mean something different, or something the same to me. Meaning, there are friends I can trust with any secret, any short-coming, any heartache. There are other friends, that I consider best friends not necessarily because I would tell them everything, but because I absolutely love their company. I am blessed by their friendship. Their life totally enriches mine.

I love my friends. Right now, I am at a place in my life where I have more than one best friend. I am fortunate enough to say that I can name 5 people right now that I would drop anything for. That I would be there for in the middle of the night. That I would cry with if they were hurting. To me, that doesn't mean that I am open with too many people. I am who I am. I have chosen to wear my heart on my sleeve (or maybe I haven't chosen that - maybe that's just how God made me). However, that doesn't mean that I will share my friends' hearts on my sleeve. Even though I have more than one best friend, I hope they all know that their secrets are safe with me. I have opened myself up to be vulnerable by wearing my heart on my sleeve. Because I haven't been afraid to do that, I have made some lifelong friendships.

To my BFF's, to my top fives, and to my refrigerator friends, I love you all. God has blessed me so much, that I never worry about having someone to go to when I need them. Or, someone to have a great time with when I want to. I won't rate you all on a scale - you, my best friends, are all #1.

been wanting to do this for a while.

I saw this somewhere, can't remember where, but you list songs that remind you of moments/seasons in your life. So, I thought I'd give it a try:



Vacation: Freebird (Lynyrd Skynyrd) - Dad played this on every car trip we took. We begged him to play it. This was also the Father/Daughter dance at my wedding.



1st Boyfriend: The Dance (Garth Brooks) - Even though you never know how things are going to turn out, it's always better to love than to not. Even though your heart may be broken, it makes you who you are.



Childhood: Walk Like an Egyptian (The Bangles) - I knew every single word to this album and I thought Susanna Huff was the coolest person ever.



Greg: When You Love Someone (Bryan Adams) - This was the song we danced to at our wedding. The first time I heard it, I knew it was perfect for us.



When I'm Sad: Held (Natalie Grant) - When I need to grieve, or when I need to remember that I'm not alone. Christians can be set apart, not because they are exempt from pain, but because they have accepted the arms that are holding them while they're going through it.



College: Stuck in the Middle w/You (Stealer's Wheel) - I just remember listening to this while we'd have little drinking get togethers.



Adoption: Into the Mystic (Van Morrison) - If you've seen the movie Immediate Family (one of my favorites) you'll know what I'm talking about.



Parents: Remember When (Alan Jackson) - Mom calls this "their song". I cry every time I hear it. I almost can't stand listening to it b/c it makes me cry.



Greg's Parents: Can't Help Falling in Love (Elvis) - This is their song. I can picture/hear Gary singing it now.



Karaoke: Summer Nights (Grease Soundtrack) - Me & Poke... All I have to say!



High School Job: You Oughta Know (Alanis Morrisette) - I knew (and still know!) all the words to this album. No, I'm not a man-hater!! :)



That's all I can think of right now... This was fun!

How I feel at Christmastime

• I Wish: More adoptive parents would consider open adoptions.
• I Love: When my son sees me walk into a room and says, "HI Mommy!"
• I Long: For the day when I have more self-confidence about who I am as a person and not just what people see on the outside.
• I Hurt: For people who don't think they need relationships. I've been around a few people like this in my life and it's so sad that they shut everyone out. They are missing out on so many wonderful things.
• I Imagine: What our house will look like when the work we want to do is complete. I'll probably be imagining that for a long time!
• I Wonder: How anyone can knit! So many people have tried to teach me and I swear... I'm hopeless.
• I Pray: That Gabe will dedicate his life to Christ someday. That he will know the joy of becoming a Christian and that he will experience the love that only Christ can give.
• I Sing: So many Christmas songs in the car, but right now my favorite ones are Rose of Bethlehem and Silent Night by Selah. Oh, and Oh Holy Night by Selah. Ok... so pretty much the entire Selah Christmas CD. If you've never heard of them, check them out - they are my favorite group of all time.
• I Hope: I can become a mom again some day. I would love for Gabe to have a sibling.
• I Hate: Feeling selfconscious.
• I Talk: About my son a lot. I hope I don't annoy people.
• I Hear: Quiet right now. Nothing but the sound of the keyboard and my party mix crunching while I enjoy some baby nap time.
• I Smell: Garlic. This smell will always remind me of my husband.
• I Miss: That feeling of innocence from when I was a child. When I didn't know about all of the junk going on in the world. A time when I thought most people were good and genuine.
• I Misbehave: In having an occasional cigarette. My husband is kinda restrictive on this one, so I do savor it when he's cool about it.
• I Envy: Other photographers. I know I'm learning... I just wish I could speed up the process a bit!
• I Fear: Giving my heart 100% to people. I am always skeptical for a while because I'm afraid of being hurt. I'm working on that.
• I Need: To lose some weight. I will feel so much better about myself, physically & mentally.

So, that's how I'm feeling this Christmas! I saw this idea on another blog I frequent and it inspired me to write too! You should try it!

Wedding Update

Today I met with the bride and groom whose wedding I'll be photographing. I really liked the couple. They were very nice and it really seems like this will be a great first wedding experience. As for level of difficulty, I'm thinking it won't be too bad. First of all, the room in which they're getting married has plenty of windows and after discussing it with the bride, all of the curtains will be open, which if it's a nice day, will provide ample lighting. Also, they are getting married in a Masonic lodge - there are a lot of neat photo ops. The building is over 100 years old, so there is a lot of woodwork and old doors, great backdrops for wedding photos.

I have to admit, I was really nervous about the meeting today. I went very prepared with a list of questions for the bride and groom. I am still really nervous about November 1, but after today, I really feel so much better. I will also have a second shooter with me as well. This will help me so much. I really don't know how people would photograph a wedding without a second person there.

I have been reading quite a few posts on Flickr with all my questions about wedding photos, do's and don't's for the photographer, and what equipment I still need to purchase. Last week, Greg ordered me a reflector, so that should be here tomorrow. Yippee!! I'm so excited! This week, I am getting a wide angle lens and an external flash. Let's just say that birthday and Christmas are covered for me!

Speaking of Greg, he's been fantastic as far as supporting my new business. He has been a great encourager when I have been doubting myself. He has pushed me even when I think I should give up. He has also reminded me that I love this and if I really love it, I should pursue it. I'm trying so hard to learn as much as I can before the wedding. I've never really felt this way about anything before. I just love it. I love talking about it. I love figuring out what I'm doing wrong.

I will quote one of my best friends here, Dr. Darci J. Harland:

"The more you know, the more you know you don't know". That's exactly how I feel.

The Reveal

Yes, I have been considering starting a SMALL photography business! MY logo (I designed it and I love it) is right here! I am feverishly working on a portfolio to put online, so I'd love to have Greg's wife readers provide me with feedback when that's available. I am having so much fun going through old pictures I've taken and giving them new life with all the processing skills I've learned. I am just so passionate about this. It's absolutely my favorite thing to do. Even if this turns into nuttin', I'm having an absolute blast.

What made my night...

Getting some M&M's from the hubby. This is the M&M I created. You can create your own here.

Crappy day, but Awesome night

So, today was pretty crappy because I felt SO fat all day long. You ever have those days? Like nothing you wear looks half way decent? Like everything in your closet sucks? That's the kind of day I had. I also am wearing my stupid glasses, because while at the cottage I dropped my gaspermeable contact down the drain - with the water running. However, I did get new shoes today. I did get to have a BLAST taking the following engagement pics:

I am just enjoying photography so much. This is a friend of mine at work and she already had a pro take her pics, but told me I could take some for practice too. I just had a blast. I am going to be taking my sisters' engagement pictures, so I definitely wanted some practice. Each time I get an opportunity to take photos, I learn so much!

Ima

Universal Friend.

One of my best friends' daughters described me the other day as a universal friend. I was kinda taken aback. I asked her what she meant and she said, "Ya know, you're like friends with my mom and like friends with me, and that's cool!". I took that as a great compliment. That's what I want to be. A universal friend. I did a search on universal on thesaurus.com. Here's some of the synonyms for universal:

• accepted
• boundless
• constant
• cosmopolitan (yummy!)
• undisputed
• unexcluding
• unlimited

See why I took it as a compliment? Getting a compliment like this one, sure made me feel like I was doing my best to be a good friend. Because I do strive for that. I know I fall short a lot. I know I mess up. But, I am trying to be a better friend. One that can be relied on. One that can be trusted. One that even loves my friends' faults. I'm working on it, and a comment like this one makes me feel like I'm accomplishing that.

Speaking of friends, this weekend we are heading to my other best friends' family cottage. I am so excited about it. We will be sharing the cottage with 5 other couples and 3 children between the ages of 8 months to 17 months. It'll be interesting to take Gabe there this time... It'll be hard to keep an eye on him and Caleb now that they're both walking, but it'll also be fun to take him out on the boat for a ride around the lake. I'll post pics when we get back. Have a great weekend!

I Did It

And I'm out of breath. Ok, get your mind out of the gutters.

I went for a run/brisk walk this morning... I may not have gone very far, but the point is, I did it. I started with exercise this morning. I also came home and did 25 situp/curl thingies. (Obviously, I'm not an exerciser at all... I don't even know the terms). My sister is getting married in August of 2009, so I need to start somewhere. I know this sounds bad to say, but I just don't want to be the obviously fattest bridesmaid. You all know the girl I'm talking about (again, I know... this sounds so petty and shallow).

A Thinner Me

For the longest time, I've just assumed that fatness is what I'll become (I know, I have a terrible self image!!). But I don't want to be. I want to be one of those people that jogs (or yogs... maybe that's how you pronounce it... what movie am I referring to??) And, I can be. If it's something I really want. And, it is a nice little alone time too. I have to say, starting out the day with a sense of pride in doing something I didn't think I'd do, feels pretty dang good.

About Me

I am Greg's wife and Gabe's Mom, Bri. I have another blog, Gabe's Mom, in which I talk about my life as Gabe's Mommy. I thought since I'm enjoying this blog thing so much, that I'd have a blog dedicated to me! To my everyday life - as a mother, as a wife, a scrapbooker, photographer, etc... (things I may not always want to put on Gabe's blog - a "Debbie Downer" day or a day where I just need to vent!) So, here it is!

Thought I'd start out by providing a few things I love vs. a few things I really, really don't like:

LOVE:

• Family time - with my guys, my immediate family, & my in laws
• Reading - this is very relaxing for me - mostly books by Jodi Picoult, Barbara Delinsky, Nicholas Sparks, etc...
• Music - have to have it in the car - I'm old school. I don't buy music off of iTunes. There's something about having the CD case.
• People who love their kids and can say 'No' when they need to
• Hymns with altered arrangements
• Longaberger baskets - I know... pyramid company, but there's nothing like a new Longaberger basket smell, the wonderful liners, the new Wishlists that arrive in the mail...
• The sandwich maker. Awesome.
• Infomercials - only for kitchen appliances and scrapbooking stuff.
• My Cricut machine.
• The smell of a baby right after a bath and pj's.
• The sound of Gabe's laugh.
• The smell of Greg's colognes (Obsession, Dolce & Gabbana, & Drakar Noir)
• Planning - parties, showers, get togethers, meals, etc...
• Lists (hence the bullet list here)
• Ikea, Bed Bath & Beyond, Target, Archivers, Hobby Lobby

HATE (or Strongly Dislike, I'm not really a hater):

• Uptalkers - C'mon. Seriously. Does everything need to be a question?
• Closetalkers - I need my freakin' space.
• Getting a phone call to let me know that you have just sent me an email.
• Unflushed toilets
• Lights left on
• Washing bottles - Ugh
• Sci-Fi/Fantasy Stuff - Sorry, it bores me.
• Clothes shopping
• Sunburns
• Beets, squash, & pears

Random Things:

• I love to sing
• I have one tattoo
• I went to school to study audiology, but now work in accounting
• I am the oldest of 4 kids
• I love the shows House, Grey's Anatomy, Designed to Sell, 20/20, & Dateline
• I have an obsession with changing my blog design

Well, that's all you get for one day. Wanted to give you a glimpse of me before I started talking about my day to day issues! Happy Friday!