For Good

I am very awestruck today. God is good. Let me just say that first of all.

A couple of months ago, I read about an organization called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. Its a nonprofit organization that volunteers the services of photographers to parents that have lost a child to stillbirth, or may be losing a child shortly after birth. The photographer donates their time, services, and a DVD of images to the family so they have a keepsake for those precious, tender moments after the baby is born. Local hospitals call the photographers at the request of the parents.

I thought about this for a while and really felt a need to participate in it. But, I was afraid to put myself and my work out there for criticism, since your work needs to be evaluated first (and rightly so). This is such a meaningful moment for the parents, you want to be sure you're able to give them quality images. So, finally, after it was pressing on me for a while, I registered and submitted my website. This was about 2 weeks ago. I then emailed my very closest friends and family and asked them to pray for me... would this be something God could use?

I knew that God would use our experience for good in some way... I just didn't know how. For Good. For Good. That keeps resonating in my head. I think this is it. I don't think I'd have been approved if God wasn't going to use it in some way.

I'm scared. I'm honored. I'm humbled. I'm hopeful that I can do it - emotionally and quality wise. I want to pray before each session that God will use me - for good. That He will bless these parents with something they can hold on to once their child is gone. I wish I had something like that. But, with our daughter it wasn't possible.

So, friends and readers, if you think of it, pray for me that God can use me For Good.

Working on it.

So, I'm gaining a little bit of confidence... I'm working on it anyway! I just took these pictures of twin 5 year olds and I sent the album to their parents. Later that night, I had a voicemail from their mom and she was thrilled with them. It was such a good feeling to know that they liked them. I'm really trying to live by my previous post and just consider my pictures good if I like them. Because you know what? No matter how good I get (and I realize I still have SO much to learn), I'm never going to be able to please everyone. It's impossible!

So, the point of this post is that I'm feeling like I can be confident without being pretentious. I used to worry (there's that worry again for ya!) that if I was confident in my abilities that I would come across as pretentious. But, I'm learning that you can feel good about what you do, graciously accept compliments and criticism and it's cool!

This may not seem like much, but this is a huge step for me. I feel so great about this new "revelation".

And, my BFF, Tami, and her daughter, Whitney, were over last night and told me I needed to create a Facebook group for Wish I Might Photography. Whitney said, "Dude, I'll create one if you won't!" So, I did. And, I already have 13 members. Pretty cool.

feeling

I've been down in the dumps lately.

Ok, so this is probably going to be a "downer" post. But, I think I owe a little explanation as to why I haven't been on for a bit. I should start by saying that I'm a people pleaser. I really dislike this quality about myself. For some, being firm, saying what you think, and being confident comes naturally to them. For me, not the case.

I spend so much time trying to please others and avoid confrontation. In trying to please other people, I end up disappointing myself and realizing that no matter how hard I try, I'm never going to please everyone. I know what you're thinking... it sounds so silly. So ridiculous. To think that I need to make everyone else happy. But, honestly, I can't help it. That's the way I'm built.

I think in my old age, (I'll be 30 in September!!) I'm learning that it's just too tiring. It's too much. I can't please everyone, and I think I'm going to stop trying. No more reading intimidating blogs that I think I need to live up to. No more worrying about my photography - in fact, I'm going to take pictures to the best of my ability and if I love them, I'll consider them good. And, no more worrying that every thing I do is the wrong thing. That's what we have prayer for. We have a God we can go to - completely UNperfect, completely vulnerable, and say, "Here God. This is what I've got. This is who I am. YOU made me and YOU love me."

It's such a waste of such valuable time to try and please everyone. Now, does that mean I just don't care anymore? No. This means that instead of worrying about what everyone else thinks, I'm going to make decisions based on what God wants me to do. And, if I just don't know what that is, I'm going to pray until I find out. This also means that I'm going to love those wonderful people in my life -the people whose opinion really matters to me- to the fullest. I'm going concentrate not on what I don't know, but what I do know. I'm going to set some small goals in my photography business. I'm going to reach those goals and set some higher ones.

As with some of my other posts, I was hesitant to share this. I was afraid of being vulnerable and concerned about what other people thought of me. The real me. But, then again, isn't that what this post is about?

So, here's some stuff about me. The REAL me. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

1. I have gray hair. And, honestly, it doesn't really bother me too much.
2. I count stairs as I go down them. I've fallen too many times and this helps me concentrate on not missing a step.
3. I am very proud of my photography. I love that other people love it.
4. If I could spend $100 on clothes or scrapbooking stuff, I would choose scrapbooking stuff.
5. I hate exercising and I know I need to do it.
6. I think owls are adorable. Not the real ones of course, just the cute, trendy ones.
7. When I get stressed out, I have heart palpitations.
8. I worry about Gabe all the time.
9. I sometimes worry about getting close to God because so many of my Christian mentors have had extremely hard lives. Our family's been through so much already, I am so afraid to just trust and let God take care of them... even though I know I have no real control anyway.
10. I would love to have another child, but worry that it will be too much to handle.
11. I need to lose weight. I am an emotional eater.
12. I make my brother and sisters (and Greg) tell me "I will be" when I tell them to be careful. Thinking this will keep them from any harm - again, foolish to think I have any control.
13. I like the shows American Idol, House, Dateline, and I miss watching Grey's Anatomy.
14. I love taking Gabe for walks.
15. I have the most forgiving, generous, faithful, loving husband.
16. I hope that Gabe talks about me like I talk about my parents.
17. I hope when I get to Heaven, I'll see my little girl there.
18. It seems like whenever I look at the clock it's 9:17. Too weird.
19. I would trust my friend, Tami with anything.
20. I hate my fat fingers.
21. I love getting blog comments.
22. I love getting the mail at the post office. I love the smell... again, weird.
23. I love to eat saltine crackers in my ice cream.
24. I always sing in the car. Yeah, you've probably seen me. I don't even care if people see. :)

SO, there you have just some random stuff about me. The real me. The blogger me, the Mommy me, the wifey me, and the friend me.

Breaking Free

I know, I know... two posts in one week... This is what happens when you're trapped in the house with a sick one! I wanted to share something really quick... I'm going to my first photography workshop!

One of my favorite Flickr photographers is holding a "Break Free" seminar... You can see the details here. Ryan & Holly are awesome photographers. I am so excited that I'll get to meet them and work with them! Plus, as a bonus, Greg and Gabe are going with me! They're going to sightsee and play in the hotel pool while I'm busy soaking up as much knowledge as I can!

I have to admit, even though I am SO super excited about it, I'm pretty nervous too. I mean, they are professionals... they'll be critiquing some of MY photos. They do this full time for a living. And, here I am, wanting to start my own part time business... I like to think that I do have a bit of a knack for it, that I'm just lacking in all of the training. I know that I have so much to learn, but you've gotta start somewhere, right? I do like to read, and I do try to do that in my free time, but I am such a better hands on learner. Show me something once, and let me do it, and I've pretty much got it. I hate it when the doubt creeps in though. I already feel myself saying things like "There's going to be a lot better photographers than you there" or "You don't know enough to go to something like this", or, or, or... If I let those statements get in my way, I'll never take the chance to go to something like this. And, without taking that chance, I'll never learn. Everybody's gotta start somewhere. Who knows, maybe the other photographers will stink big time? :) Nah, I'm just kiddin....

When I suggested this to Greg, I didn't think he'd go for it. In fact, I asked him to sit down so I could ask him if I could go on this trip. I knew it was expensive, and I hated to ask for myself, but dang, I really wanted to go! Greg was immediately supportive and wanted me to do it. Then as we talked about it more, we decided he and Gabe should come too! That way, we could make it a little family vacation. I am so very blessed to have a husband who supports me in this endeavor. He wants me to succeed and that is such a great feeling. Sometimes you have to take a step back and look at all that you have - I have a lot to be thankful for.

It's Beginning to Look a lot like Christmas!

Just wanted to share my two favorite photos from the Lyonses photo session yesterday. What a wonderful family - their friendship has been such a blessing to my family. You can see more of them here.

Picture Post!

So, here are some pictures to go with the previous post!

We saw this on our walk the first night we were there... California! This was in the Disney park area.

The Disney park was lined with these awesome trees... I only wish my picture could do it justice! Notice the fireworks in the background! We were able to see those the first night we were there. It was pretty cool.

The Hollywood sign!

And, just because it is SUPER cool in Black & White!

Rodeo Drive! Didn't buy anything... The stores didn't have anything for me!

The palm trees...ahhh...

Ok, so I'm all about famous signs...

The name of President Reagan and the First Lady's boat was TruLuv.

Greg and retired Air Force One. Retired in 2001.

Still looks like it's ready for takeoff.

A piece of the Berlin wall.

The amazing view from the Reagan Presidential Library. No wonder it was their favorite place to be.

Thoughts on Photographing my 1st Wedding:

• Thankful I wore comfortable shoes.
• I was tired... dog tired when we got home.
• SO thankful to have a second shooter.
• I need a new camera - that will hold an SD card.
• 2 CF cards were not near enough.
• It stinks trying to delete pictures just to make more room.
• Be QUICK
• Be flexible - never know what's going to happen!
• Don't panic when all of the curtains are shut (when you were told they'd be open)
• Be glad it was a beautiful day!
• Eat at the reception
• BRING WATER
• Take as many photos as you can
• Don't panic.

Overall, it went very well. Between me & Grant, we got all of the shots we wanted. I don't know how/if people shoot weddings by themselves. I'm working on the processing now and I'm finding that a lot of mine are grainy. One of the problems was the lighting during the ceremony. The closest thing I can think of, is it reminded me of the lighting in a gymnasium... yeah really difficult! However, we did get a lot of good shots and I'm already having fun processing them.

Oh, yeah, I was asked to do another wedding! Um, I'll be thinking about that... It's a lot of work, but it is GREAT experience.

Family Photo Session

I had the pleasure of taking this awesome family's pictures this last weekend at Wesleyan's campus. It was so much fun. I had over 100 pictures that I was able to give the family to choose from. Let me just say again, it was so much fun. I felt so confident and even if I wasn't quite sure of what I was doing, I trusted myself and I came out with some pretty cute pictures. Hopefully the family loves them, as that is what I was going for. I had never met the family before, so I was nervous, but I still feel like it went well. We seemed to work well together and I just thought they were so nice.

Well, Greg's wife's been up to a lot. Most recently, and least fun, I hurt my back on Saturday. I took these pictures on Sunday, so I was really afraid I was going to be hobbling around Sunday, but I didn't do too bad. Last night, I went for a massage to try and improve it a bit and that was great, until I tried to get up. Here I am, 3/4 naked and I can't stand up to put my clothes on without yelping in pain. We're talking bad pain here... like the worst I've ever had. And, it has to be pretty bad for me to need to have help getting dressed. It was so humiliating. All I could do was stand, basically folded in half, with my upper body laying on the massage table. And that's how I stood for about a half and hour. I seriously could not move. After a lot of ice and some Biofreeze, I was able to get dressed (with the help of the massage therapist - still humiliating) and Greg came and helped me hobble out to the car. Seriously, this ranks up there as one of the most embarassing nights of my life.

I spent most of today in bed. Thankfully, I had some pain medicine which helped quite a bit, but it knocked me out. Sleep was great though and I feel so much better than I did last night. I hate it that the house is a mess and I can't bend much to pick things up. I'm hoping I am completely better by Saturday, as this is my first wedding and I really want to be in tip top shape! I don't want to be in pain that whole day. I don't even know what the specific thing was that caused me to hurt my back! I know I reached over to pick up something of Gabe's, but it wasn't an instant pain or anything. Ugh.

Here are a few more of the photos from the family session:

Photo Session

I had a great time taking Jenny & Rene's engagement pictures today. I just love how this one turned out... Jenny's eyes look amazing. Well, I know this is a super-short post, but I'm tired! You can see more of the photos here.

Wedding Update

Today I met with the bride and groom whose wedding I'll be photographing. I really liked the couple. They were very nice and it really seems like this will be a great first wedding experience. As for level of difficulty, I'm thinking it won't be too bad. First of all, the room in which they're getting married has plenty of windows and after discussing it with the bride, all of the curtains will be open, which if it's a nice day, will provide ample lighting. Also, they are getting married in a Masonic lodge - there are a lot of neat photo ops. The building is over 100 years old, so there is a lot of woodwork and old doors, great backdrops for wedding photos.

I have to admit, I was really nervous about the meeting today. I went very prepared with a list of questions for the bride and groom. I am still really nervous about November 1, but after today, I really feel so much better. I will also have a second shooter with me as well. This will help me so much. I really don't know how people would photograph a wedding without a second person there.

I have been reading quite a few posts on Flickr with all my questions about wedding photos, do's and don't's for the photographer, and what equipment I still need to purchase. Last week, Greg ordered me a reflector, so that should be here tomorrow. Yippee!! I'm so excited! This week, I am getting a wide angle lens and an external flash. Let's just say that birthday and Christmas are covered for me!

Speaking of Greg, he's been fantastic as far as supporting my new business. He has been a great encourager when I have been doubting myself. He has pushed me even when I think I should give up. He has also reminded me that I love this and if I really love it, I should pursue it. I'm trying so hard to learn as much as I can before the wedding. I've never really felt this way about anything before. I just love it. I love talking about it. I love figuring out what I'm doing wrong.

I will quote one of my best friends here, Dr. Darci J. Harland:

"The more you know, the more you know you don't know". That's exactly how I feel.

Yikes!

So, I accepted my first offer to photograph a wedding today. Am I insane? I don't know! I am really excited to have been asked to do it. I am really excited to try some new things. I just hope to do a great job for the bride and groom. The wedding is in November, so I have a lot of time to prepare. I am just honored to have been asked and I really hope I can capture this special day for them.

Been Busy

Gotta make this a quick post... (I'm exhausted. I've been staying up late on Flickr everynight. - Dang Flickr'll get ya everytime.) Just wanted to share my favorite photo from my cousin's daughter's birthday. My cousin, Steph asked me to take pics of Hailey at 2 years. I had a lot of fun. I love her grandma's hand on hers in this picture. Oh, and she's stinkin' adorable.

My mind has been going a mile a minute since Wish I Might became official. I just have all of these ideas sparking and I've never felt this way about anything before! It's just such an awesome feeling. I may not be the best, and I may not have all of the fancy equipment, but you gotta start somewhere. Word of mouth has been going well. I've gotten a few "leads" and I am anxious to receive some follow up info on those.

Time for bed. I'm beat!

Wish I Might

Currently, I am working on my portfolio for Wish I Might. If you are interested in checking out some of the photos, click HERE. Any comments/suggestions would be much appreciated!!