The End

This is the end of this blog, but a new one is coming! I'm rolling Gabe's Mom, Greg's Wife, and Wish I Might into one! For those of you who follow along, when the new blog is up and running, I'll make one final post with the new address. And, for all my facebook friends, I'll send you a link! It's just too hard to manage 2 blogs and a website... I am still in the planning stages, but when I'm done, I think my life will be much more simple!!

For Good

I am very awestruck today. God is good. Let me just say that first of all.

A couple of months ago, I read about an organization called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. Its a nonprofit organization that volunteers the services of photographers to parents that have lost a child to stillbirth, or may be losing a child shortly after birth. The photographer donates their time, services, and a DVD of images to the family so they have a keepsake for those precious, tender moments after the baby is born. Local hospitals call the photographers at the request of the parents.

I thought about this for a while and really felt a need to participate in it. But, I was afraid to put myself and my work out there for criticism, since your work needs to be evaluated first (and rightly so). This is such a meaningful moment for the parents, you want to be sure you're able to give them quality images. So, finally, after it was pressing on me for a while, I registered and submitted my website. This was about 2 weeks ago. I then emailed my very closest friends and family and asked them to pray for me... would this be something God could use?

I knew that God would use our experience for good in some way... I just didn't know how. For Good. For Good. That keeps resonating in my head. I think this is it. I don't think I'd have been approved if God wasn't going to use it in some way.

I'm scared. I'm honored. I'm humbled. I'm hopeful that I can do it - emotionally and quality wise. I want to pray before each session that God will use me - for good. That He will bless these parents with something they can hold on to once their child is gone. I wish I had something like that. But, with our daughter it wasn't possible.

So, friends and readers, if you think of it, pray for me that God can use me For Good.

Working on it.

So, I'm gaining a little bit of confidence... I'm working on it anyway! I just took these pictures of twin 5 year olds and I sent the album to their parents. Later that night, I had a voicemail from their mom and she was thrilled with them. It was such a good feeling to know that they liked them. I'm really trying to live by my previous post and just consider my pictures good if I like them. Because you know what? No matter how good I get (and I realize I still have SO much to learn), I'm never going to be able to please everyone. It's impossible!

So, the point of this post is that I'm feeling like I can be confident without being pretentious. I used to worry (there's that worry again for ya!) that if I was confident in my abilities that I would come across as pretentious. But, I'm learning that you can feel good about what you do, graciously accept compliments and criticism and it's cool!

This may not seem like much, but this is a huge step for me. I feel so great about this new "revelation".

And, my BFF, Tami, and her daughter, Whitney, were over last night and told me I needed to create a Facebook group for Wish I Might Photography. Whitney said, "Dude, I'll create one if you won't!" So, I did. And, I already have 13 members. Pretty cool.

I need you

Can I ask you blog readers for some prayer? I wish I could share the specific situation with you, but I can't. Let me tell you that it involves a person that I love who is losing a baby. Please just ask God to be with them today and to hold them in His almighty, loving, faithful hands. She needs Him today. I wish I could find a video of this song, but the best I could do was find the lyrics. The song is beautiful.

I Need You - The Swift

My heart is restless in me
My wings are all worn out
I’m walking in the wilderness
And I cannot get out

I need You, oh I need You
Blessed savior come
I need You, oh I need You
Fill the every longing of my soul

Oh how I need You Lord
I need Your perfect word
With tearful eyes I see the sin that I afford
I need to weep and pray
For all the thousand ways
That I have failed you just today

And my bed is soaked with sadness
My sadness has no end
A downward spiral of despair that I keep falling in
I need You, oh I need You
To You my soul shall fly
I need You, oh I need You
Yahweh how I love you more than life

Oh how I need You Lord
I need Your perfect word
With tearful eyes I see the sin that I afford
I need to weep and pray for all the thousand ways
That I have failed you just today

Your silence is like death to me
So won’t You hear my desperate plea

Today my soul is soaring
Way over mountains high
Though I can see the valleys
They are all just passing by
Its not that I am stronger
Look at my feeble wings
But I’ve been lifted higher
Yahweh’s lifted me in His own strength

Oh how I love You Lord
I love your perfect word
With tearful eyes I see the God who always will endure
Now I will celebrate
For all the thousand ways
That you have shown me grace and made my heart in grace to stay
You made my heart in grace to stay
Lord, make my heart in grace to stay
I need You, oh I need You

feeling

I've been down in the dumps lately.

Ok, so this is probably going to be a "downer" post. But, I think I owe a little explanation as to why I haven't been on for a bit. I should start by saying that I'm a people pleaser. I really dislike this quality about myself. For some, being firm, saying what you think, and being confident comes naturally to them. For me, not the case.

I spend so much time trying to please others and avoid confrontation. In trying to please other people, I end up disappointing myself and realizing that no matter how hard I try, I'm never going to please everyone. I know what you're thinking... it sounds so silly. So ridiculous. To think that I need to make everyone else happy. But, honestly, I can't help it. That's the way I'm built.

I think in my old age, (I'll be 30 in September!!) I'm learning that it's just too tiring. It's too much. I can't please everyone, and I think I'm going to stop trying. No more reading intimidating blogs that I think I need to live up to. No more worrying about my photography - in fact, I'm going to take pictures to the best of my ability and if I love them, I'll consider them good. And, no more worrying that every thing I do is the wrong thing. That's what we have prayer for. We have a God we can go to - completely UNperfect, completely vulnerable, and say, "Here God. This is what I've got. This is who I am. YOU made me and YOU love me."

It's such a waste of such valuable time to try and please everyone. Now, does that mean I just don't care anymore? No. This means that instead of worrying about what everyone else thinks, I'm going to make decisions based on what God wants me to do. And, if I just don't know what that is, I'm going to pray until I find out. This also means that I'm going to love those wonderful people in my life -the people whose opinion really matters to me- to the fullest. I'm going concentrate not on what I don't know, but what I do know. I'm going to set some small goals in my photography business. I'm going to reach those goals and set some higher ones.

As with some of my other posts, I was hesitant to share this. I was afraid of being vulnerable and concerned about what other people thought of me. The real me. But, then again, isn't that what this post is about?

So, here's some stuff about me. The REAL me. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

1. I have gray hair. And, honestly, it doesn't really bother me too much.
2. I count stairs as I go down them. I've fallen too many times and this helps me concentrate on not missing a step.
3. I am very proud of my photography. I love that other people love it.
4. If I could spend $100 on clothes or scrapbooking stuff, I would choose scrapbooking stuff.
5. I hate exercising and I know I need to do it.
6. I think owls are adorable. Not the real ones of course, just the cute, trendy ones.
7. When I get stressed out, I have heart palpitations.
8. I worry about Gabe all the time.
9. I sometimes worry about getting close to God because so many of my Christian mentors have had extremely hard lives. Our family's been through so much already, I am so afraid to just trust and let God take care of them... even though I know I have no real control anyway.
10. I would love to have another child, but worry that it will be too much to handle.
11. I need to lose weight. I am an emotional eater.
12. I make my brother and sisters (and Greg) tell me "I will be" when I tell them to be careful. Thinking this will keep them from any harm - again, foolish to think I have any control.
13. I like the shows American Idol, House, Dateline, and I miss watching Grey's Anatomy.
14. I love taking Gabe for walks.
15. I have the most forgiving, generous, faithful, loving husband.
16. I hope that Gabe talks about me like I talk about my parents.
17. I hope when I get to Heaven, I'll see my little girl there.
18. It seems like whenever I look at the clock it's 9:17. Too weird.
19. I would trust my friend, Tami with anything.
20. I hate my fat fingers.
21. I love getting blog comments.
22. I love getting the mail at the post office. I love the smell... again, weird.
23. I love to eat saltine crackers in my ice cream.
24. I always sing in the car. Yeah, you've probably seen me. I don't even care if people see. :)

SO, there you have just some random stuff about me. The real me. The blogger me, the Mommy me, the wifey me, and the friend me.

Diagnosis

This is a post I wasn't sure I was going to write, but after thinking about it all day, I decided to go ahead and do so. What's the point in hiding and keeping it to myself? It's not really a big deal, other than I finally know what's up with me. I finally know after 8 years of infertility what the deal is. So, here goes... (you might want to grab a cup of coffee...)

I have to start off by saying the doctor I've had for the last seven years is really a good person. A wonderful, compassionate human being. He had wonderful bedside manner. However, diagnostically, he just wasn't helping me. He was perfectly content to let me coast on by and never attempt to fix or put a name to my condition. When I say condition, here are my symptoms:

• infertility
• annovulation
• weight gain
• forgetfulness
• extreme hypothyroidism
• sluggish, constantly fatigued feeling
• depression

I went months, then years, trying infertility treatments. Never sure what the real problem was. In my mind, I always thought, "There HAS to be a reason. I was not just born this way". The only time I was ever really given much of a diagnosis was when I was coming out of surgery. I was advised that I have polycystic ovarian syndrome. This was the cause of my infertility. I wasn't ever really tested for it. Small cysts were found on my ovaries, but that's pretty much where it was left. I was naive and believed my doctor - that I was just born this way, and that we could take temporary measures to treat my condition.

Well, I got a phone call from my mom not long ago. She was concerned about my health and had delayed telling me that. She didn't want to hurt my feelings. That was the wake up call I needed to change doctors. Believe it or not, this was a hard thing for me to do. I was kind of attached to my doctor. We'd been through a lot. He held my hand as we went back for the D&C after my miscarriage. And, he continued to hold my hand until I fell asleep. But, as much as that meant to me, I knew it was time for a change.

My mother in law had suggested an OBGYN's office a long time ago because she knew one of the ladies who works there. I gave them a call. I was able to get in right away. I see a nurse practitioner and she is wonderful. She spent 45 minutes with me after I had met with the nurse and she explained that with my symptoms, she really believed I have PCOS. So, she scheduled a sonogram and bloodwork to see if we could confirm that. At the sonogram, the tech was fantastic. She explained everything she saw and advised the NP would meet with me afterwards to discuss everything.

Turns out, my ovaries showed little to no sign of PCOS. When the nurse practitioner came in, she said, "Well, I am stumped!" (at my first appointment, I told her I would stump her!). She really thought that my symptoms closely resembled PCOS (I only have 2 or 3 symptoms), but she thought I may also have lupus. For those of you who watch House... It's never lupus.

So, I had my blood drawn for a lupus panel and the NP advised she would talk to the head doctor of the office and see if he had any other ideas of what it could be. That afternoon, I got a call back that he really believed I have Hashimoto's Disease, with a touch of PCOS. The simplest explanation is I have a thyroid autoimmune disease. So, guess how you work with it and treat it? Weightloss. Which is really ironic - weightgain is one of the symptoms. Suck.

So, I should be thankful that I've been diagnosed. I should be thankful that it's not lupus (not 100% sure on that... still awaiting labs, but they really don't think that's what it is).

But honestly, I'm not thankful. I'm pretty depressed actually. I hate that I have trouble with my weight. I hate that because of my condition, it's harder to lose the weight. I hate that I don't like fruit. I hate that I can't eat sweets anymore. I know... I'm being a Debbie Downer. But, this is really hard for me. I feel like I've lost a vice - I've lost a comfort thing.

So, the reason I decided to post this is the same reason I post entries about our miscarriage and infertility. If one person reads this, and it helps them because they know they're not alone, it's worth it. I think I've said before, infertility is a very lonely place. If one person knows that I hate it that I can't have cake just like them, then it's worth it!

So, there you have it... my diagnosis. My life sentence. There's no curing this, so I'd better learn how to live with it. If any of you are pray-ers out there, please pray that I can come to a peace about this and not be so bitter. And, that I learn to love the taste of carrots instead of carrot cake.

My First Quilting Lesson

Today was a pretty awesome day. My mother in law's childhood friend, Carol, makes beautiful quilts. I have always admired her beautiful work! For a while, we've been talking about putting together a quilting day so Carol could teach us how. I was a little intimidated because to be honest, sometimes I have trouble sewing a straight line! So, Mary (my MIL) volunteered to keep Gabers during the day so my mom, my BFF Tami, & I could have a quilting lesson. It was so much fun. And, it honestly was easier than I thought. It was still challenging, and I was definitely out of my comfort zone, but it was a lot of fun and I can't wait to try making another one! Well, we'll see... I'd love to get some more practice so it was a little more automatic for me.

First, we made three 9 patch squares. I have never made something so precise before! I felt so proud of myself! :) They turned out great.

Next, we cut those squares in half twice, making 4 smaller squares. Then, we turned two of the squares that were diagonal from each other so that the smaller squares in the middle met at the points. I was REALLY scared about cutting my 9 patch!! (Listen to me... I already sound like a quilter!! hehehe)

While we were quilting, Gabe and Abba & PawPaw were playing! It was so cute to go in and peek at them... Gabe was having a blast.

And, there are a lot of steps between this picture and the last step, but I can't remember them all off the top of my head to blog them! But, this is the top to my table runner. I am so thrilled with how it turned out. I didn't think I'd like it this much! I thought for sure I'd make a lot more noticable mistakes, but in just looking at it, the seams match up pretty nicely! We're going to get together for another session to attach the back and the binding, and of course, to quilt it!

By the end of the afternoon, Gabe was tuckered out! He had such a great time with Abba and PawPaw! I am so thankful that I got to do this today. It was truly so much fun and I can't wait to get together to finish them up. I think I'm going to enjoy quilting!!

Breaking Free

I know, I know... two posts in one week... This is what happens when you're trapped in the house with a sick one! I wanted to share something really quick... I'm going to my first photography workshop!

One of my favorite Flickr photographers is holding a "Break Free" seminar... You can see the details here. Ryan & Holly are awesome photographers. I am so excited that I'll get to meet them and work with them! Plus, as a bonus, Greg and Gabe are going with me! They're going to sightsee and play in the hotel pool while I'm busy soaking up as much knowledge as I can!

I have to admit, even though I am SO super excited about it, I'm pretty nervous too. I mean, they are professionals... they'll be critiquing some of MY photos. They do this full time for a living. And, here I am, wanting to start my own part time business... I like to think that I do have a bit of a knack for it, that I'm just lacking in all of the training. I know that I have so much to learn, but you've gotta start somewhere, right? I do like to read, and I do try to do that in my free time, but I am such a better hands on learner. Show me something once, and let me do it, and I've pretty much got it. I hate it when the doubt creeps in though. I already feel myself saying things like "There's going to be a lot better photographers than you there" or "You don't know enough to go to something like this", or, or, or... If I let those statements get in my way, I'll never take the chance to go to something like this. And, without taking that chance, I'll never learn. Everybody's gotta start somewhere. Who knows, maybe the other photographers will stink big time? :) Nah, I'm just kiddin....

When I suggested this to Greg, I didn't think he'd go for it. In fact, I asked him to sit down so I could ask him if I could go on this trip. I knew it was expensive, and I hated to ask for myself, but dang, I really wanted to go! Greg was immediately supportive and wanted me to do it. Then as we talked about it more, we decided he and Gabe should come too! That way, we could make it a little family vacation. I am so very blessed to have a husband who supports me in this endeavor. He wants me to succeed and that is such a great feeling. Sometimes you have to take a step back and look at all that you have - I have a lot to be thankful for.

BFF's, Top Fives, and Refrigerator Friends

So, how many of you out there (that is if I have any readers left because I've been such a bad blogger!) have more than one best friend? I understand the concept of good, better, best. However, I don't believe that to be a categorization for people. Sure it works for grades, it works for classifying things, and it works for sports and other contests. But for me, for people, it's not like that. I can't rate my friends based on who I like best.

All of the people I am blessed to have in my life are there for many reasons. All of them mean something different, or something the same to me. Meaning, there are friends I can trust with any secret, any short-coming, any heartache. There are other friends, that I consider best friends not necessarily because I would tell them everything, but because I absolutely love their company. I am blessed by their friendship. Their life totally enriches mine.

I love my friends. Right now, I am at a place in my life where I have more than one best friend. I am fortunate enough to say that I can name 5 people right now that I would drop anything for. That I would be there for in the middle of the night. That I would cry with if they were hurting. To me, that doesn't mean that I am open with too many people. I am who I am. I have chosen to wear my heart on my sleeve (or maybe I haven't chosen that - maybe that's just how God made me). However, that doesn't mean that I will share my friends' hearts on my sleeve. Even though I have more than one best friend, I hope they all know that their secrets are safe with me. I have opened myself up to be vulnerable by wearing my heart on my sleeve. Because I haven't been afraid to do that, I have made some lifelong friendships.

To my BFF's, to my top fives, and to my refrigerator friends, I love you all. God has blessed me so much, that I never worry about having someone to go to when I need them. Or, someone to have a great time with when I want to. I won't rate you all on a scale - you, my best friends, are all #1.

been wanting to do this for a while.

I saw this somewhere, can't remember where, but you list songs that remind you of moments/seasons in your life. So, I thought I'd give it a try:



Vacation: Freebird (Lynyrd Skynyrd) - Dad played this on every car trip we took. We begged him to play it. This was also the Father/Daughter dance at my wedding.



1st Boyfriend: The Dance (Garth Brooks) - Even though you never know how things are going to turn out, it's always better to love than to not. Even though your heart may be broken, it makes you who you are.



Childhood: Walk Like an Egyptian (The Bangles) - I knew every single word to this album and I thought Susanna Huff was the coolest person ever.



Greg: When You Love Someone (Bryan Adams) - This was the song we danced to at our wedding. The first time I heard it, I knew it was perfect for us.



When I'm Sad: Held (Natalie Grant) - When I need to grieve, or when I need to remember that I'm not alone. Christians can be set apart, not because they are exempt from pain, but because they have accepted the arms that are holding them while they're going through it.



College: Stuck in the Middle w/You (Stealer's Wheel) - I just remember listening to this while we'd have little drinking get togethers.



Adoption: Into the Mystic (Van Morrison) - If you've seen the movie Immediate Family (one of my favorites) you'll know what I'm talking about.



Parents: Remember When (Alan Jackson) - Mom calls this "their song". I cry every time I hear it. I almost can't stand listening to it b/c it makes me cry.



Greg's Parents: Can't Help Falling in Love (Elvis) - This is their song. I can picture/hear Gary singing it now.



Karaoke: Summer Nights (Grease Soundtrack) - Me & Poke... All I have to say!



High School Job: You Oughta Know (Alanis Morrisette) - I knew (and still know!) all the words to this album. No, I'm not a man-hater!! :)



That's all I can think of right now... This was fun!