Spring Thoughts

Most people love Spring. Most people see Spring as a time of new growth. New life. A new year.

Most people.

Spring is a very difficult time of year for me. March 22 was the due date of the child that Greg and I lost to miscarriage at 7 1/2 weeks. We lost the baby in August of 2006 due to a "missed miscarriage" .

This month, my daughter would've been 1 year old. I can't explain why I'm still having trouble with this. I am able to function everyday. I am able to love my son unconditionally, fully, and whole-heartedly as though I had given birth to him. But, a part of me still grieves the life we created and lost. The life I'll never meet face to face except in Heaven. I would never trade my son. I would never wish to have her instead of him. But, I do wish I could hold them both. I do wish I could have both of my children. I feel like I have one, but the other was taken from me. Part of me knew her even though we never met.

I hope this doesn't sound as though I haven't moved on. I also hope this doesn't sound like "poor me". But, I do hope this sounds like she was real. Because she was. She was a part of me and Greg. A life created and lost before having a chance to live it. Any time I hear of a woman going through miscarriage I feel so much for her. I know how she's feeling. I know it is an incredibly isolating feeling especially when talking to other women who have never had one, or who have never had any trouble getting pregnant.

I'll always wonder if I could've prevented it. I'll always wonder if my doctor knew there was something wrong when he scheduled the next sonogram 10 days later, even after hearing the heartbeat. I'll also always wonder why he told me the sex of the baby, when I never asked. In some ways, I wish I didn't know. In others, I'm glad I know. I'll always wonder about what could have been...

Most days are great days now. Most days I don't feel like I'm mourning. But, every once in a while, like today, like this time of year, I think of her a lot. I told Greg that today was a tough day and that I was going to blog about it. I like having my blog. Even if this is just for me, so be it. I feel better after writing. I feel like I've let go of a little. And, maybe just maybe, my words or experiences can be helpful to someone else.