Sunrise

I've had a lot on my mind lately. I've been missing something. My spiritual life has literally been frozen in place, if not taken a few steps back. I find myself really wondering how this could be. I mean, God gave me the desire of my heart - to have a child. A wonderful, wonderful boy that has completely captured my heart. You'd think my faith would be at an all-time high, right?

It isn't. In fact, I think lately, my mentality has been that I don't need God. Things are going well. We aren't really struggling with anything. We have our son. Life is good. Yet, I find myself searching. Not feeling fulfilled. Why is that?

Tonight on my way home from work, I was out of music. I was bored with the Heart CD I've been repetitivly listening to. I often use my ride home as a time to think. A time to examine where I am. I reached into the console and found a Nichole Nordeman CD that I hadn't heard in a while. Part of me didn't want to listen to it. I didn't know if I was really ready for me and God to have a "sit down". Well, I heard the song "Sunrise" and it really spoke to me today. Here are the lyrics:

If I had the chance To go back again
Take a different road, bear a lighter load Tell an easy story
I would walk away With my yesterdays
And I would not trade what is broken for beauty only
Every valley Every bitter chill
Made me ready to climb back up the hill And find that…

(Chorus)
You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning If I knew not midnight?
You’re my horizon You’re the light of a new dawn
So thank you, thank you
That after the long night, you are sunrise

There’s a moment when Faith caves in
There’s a time when every soul is certain God is gone
But every shadow is evidence of sun
And every tomorrow holds out hope for us For every one of us

(Chorus)

You are sunrise
-Nichole Nordeman

I really didn't expect after my trial was over (the infertility and desire for a child) that I would feel distant from God. But I did. Part of it is because we quit going to church. We had a newborn baby and our pastor had been asked to resign. I think some of it too has been recognizing all of the unfairness in this world: Mothers dying before seeing their children grown, orphanages in which children are never held, people who never have one person in their lives tell them "I love you", and children that live in abusive homes who only grow up to repeat the pattern.

But tonight, on my way home, in the car, God and I connected again. I felt humbled - like going to an old friend I hadn't stayed in touch with. But in listening to this song, I realized that it's going to be ok. I'm back. God has given me a new sunrise. A new day to begin with Him. He has said, I was still there in the dark. But now it's morning and you can see me. Even in the dark, I knew he was there... he just felt so far away. It's weird how in the dark, in the midst of my trials, I felt like he was so far away. But even once the trials were over, if I wasn't seeking Him, I was still in the dark. I hadn't really stepped into the warm, welcoming rays of a new sunrise.

Seek and ye shall find. Knock and the door will open. This is not just in the midst of the cold night. This is also in the unquenched thirst and heat of the day.